1. She freaks out when that super cute boy smiles at her in the cafeteria.
2. She knows how we feel when our doctor makes us stand on the scale at our annual checkups.
3. She doesn’t take well to criticism or lack of interest.
4. She doesn’t pretend that she’s a Muggle with no working knowledge of the magical world.
Well okay, so she’s not a witch. But she’s gotta be at least a Squib!
5. She’s a hazard to herself and others, so she can’t be trusted easily.
6. She stares at her naked body for entirely too long in the mirror.
7. She practices her facial expressions for those one-second Snaps she wants to send to her friends.
8. She knows it takes a little bit of work to get ready in the morning.
Well, at least she preaches the truth.
CAN I GET AN AMEN?
10. She understands that when it comes to life or death situations, Honey Boo Boo is a priority.
11. She’s certainly wasn’t named “Most Athletic” in high school.
12. She feels sheer terror when an overly aggressive horn-dog corners her at the bar with only one thing on his mind.
13. She knows her place in the social hierarchy and accepts it.
14. She knows exactly what every boy needs on his résumé in order to have a fighting chance.
15. She happily plays along when an old acquaintance says they should go out for drinks sometime.
16. She’s generally a happy, calm, and emotionally stable person, unless it’s her time of the month. Or actually any other week in that month, too.
17. She knows any time is a good time to break out a “Mean Girls” reference.
18. She does the bare minimum to get ready for school.
*Note: This is not an actual quote from Jennifer, but it is highly likely that she will wind up saying this in an interview within the next few years anyway. Let’s be real.
19. She’ll knock any bitch out who flirts with her man even though he doesn’t know he’s her man yet.
20. Just because she’s successful in her career now doesn’t mean she has a better work ethic.
22. She likes to take things slow and really get to know a guy before she—
Ooookay. That was fast.
23. She freaks the freak out over the coming attractions for next week’s “Dance Moms” episode.
24. She considers any weekend a successful weekend when she behaves herself and doesn’t make any regrettable decisions.
27. She is preparing for the day that Ryan Gosling finally breaks up with Eva Mendes.
28. She tries to stick to her New Year’s Resolutions every year. I wonder how 2014 is going so far?
29. She doesn’t do the whole modesty thing very well when it comes to the work she’s done.
30. She’s not very well-spoken in the art of seduction.
31. She wanted to push Taylor Swift down the stairs. True story.
32. She’s a great motivational speaker to the youth of our generation.
33. She dances like she’s 4 tequila shots and 2 gin and tonics deep.
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