1. 10 Uncomfortable Truths About Why We Lose Friends
10 Uncomfortable Truths About Why We Lose Friends
If you're still friends with all of your friends from high school, college, or your 20's – you're a complete anomaly and you're lying. The truth is, we lose friends for a bunch of different reasons over the years but some of us have an easier time coming to terms with the realities of it – and accepting that it's perfectly normal. So here is some help:
1. You've grown in different directions over time. How many of you have old friendships out there that as an adult turn out to have lost their spark? Sometimes the people you connect with during certain phases of your life aren't meant to stay in your life as you grow and change. That friendship served its purpose – let it go. Walk away from these kinds of friendships feeling happy and healthy that the both of you served a purpose for each other at a certain place and time – and that it's okay to have to let go. I promise you that you'll meet other people along your own path and someday it will all make sense.
2. You've stopped putting the effort in because let's face it – it is work to keep a friendship strong. As you get older and your circles continue to expand it's impossible to maintain thoughtful, deep friendships with everyone you consider a "friend." It's noble and kind to nurture those around you – but if you try to overextend yourself to nurture every friendship you have you will never have time for yourself. Eventually people have to make decisions about which friendships they are able to nurture and which of them they aren't. You're not always going to make everyone's cut.
3. You weren't really friends to begin with – you were just acquaintances. Some people place way too much emphasis on the word "friendship" when really what the relationship was – was just a few hangouts and a bunch of text messages over the years. You were acquaintances for a few years. Actual friendships involve consist of knowing each other's family member's names and secrets and getting out of bed at 3am because they're drunk and can't find their apartment. Actual friendships include countless sacrifices and years of sharing everything about each other (and plenty of fights!). That's real friendship. If you just texted someone a bunch or hung out a few times over the years you were not friends. You were acquaintances. Stop confusing the two.
4. Your friend entered a committed relationship – and one of a few things could have happened:
a. You disrespected their relationship with their significant other. If you're friends with someone of the opposite sex – don't be a dummy and disrespect their significant other. If you meet that person and you throw them shade and then get a second chance and you throw them shade again, you're on thin ice. Never mind if you behave inappropriately above and beyond that like text your friend how much you miss them or post a bunch of selfies of the two of you together on social media. Your friendship is over the minute you dismiss that significant other as temporary and insignificant. You're blatantly disrespecting your friend – and I guarantee you that your friend will chose their life partner over you.
b. You did nothing wrong whatsoever and their significant other just doesn't like you because they are insecure. That totally happens…but usually only with young adults who haven't grown up yet – and people with unhealthy control issues. The majority of adult, committed relationships consist of two people who have healthy friendships of the opposite sex that more often than not result in really healthy friendships between those friends and the significant other. Personally, some of my most favorite female friends are actually friends of my boyfriend that I met through him – which is amazing. And healthy.
c. They outgrew you. Sometimes friendships don't last when people get into a committed relationship because that relationship has changed their life. Maybe they don't go out as much, or in some cases maybe they don't feel they have things in common with you anymore. That's ok as long as it's healthy and your friend isn't being isolated from their social circles as a control-mechanism their partner has created. We all grow up and evolve and start our own families while we're juggling careers and hobbies and multiple other friendships. Not everyone continues with us along our paths. But if your friend has lost all of their friends and is isolated in their relationship – it's a huge red flag that should be addressed.
If you're in a relationship with someone, and you have a strong relationship with yourself, you have no trouble whatsoever differentiating which opposite-sex friends your partner has that are absolutely amazing and which ones are disrespecting you on the low. It's not rocket science. And if you're that opposite-sex friend keep in mind that you only get a few chances to prove to your friend's significant other that you respect them and their relationship. If you truly value your friendship then you need to realize that it means you need to be friendly with their significant other and that you need to keep your behavior with your friend platonic. Don't flirt. Include their significant other in plans so you guys can get to know each other. And refer back to a. on other examples of behavior you absolutely shouldn't be doing. And if you think maybe your friendship was just outgrown – I know that it stinks and there's plenty of room for resentment toward your friend. But the truth is, it's normal.
5. You entered a committed relationship – and one of two things happened:
a. See #4 and reverse roles
6. One of you told the other a harsh truth (like a real friend) and the other person wasn't ready to receive it. When you're really friends with someone sometimes you have to tell them harsh truths about their behavior in order to be a good friend. Maybe they drink too much or they were rude to a waitress, or maybe they are behaving in a way that is dangerous to themselves or others. You'll always be doing the right thing by telling your friend the truth. But be prepared to lose your friendship if they resent you for telling them. Real, lasting friendships can endure this stress over the years and bounce back. So if you lose someone, let them go.
7. Your friendship is toxic. At some point or another we've all had that one friend who is negative about everything and can never seem to get out of their own way. You're either both enabling each other with negative-attention seeking or one of you has stuck around because you feel bad and want to help. None of this behavior is healthy and nobody is doing anyone any favors by feeding into the cycle of negative thoughts or behavior. I can't tell you how many friends I've lost over the years because I simply felt that their negative outlook was having a negative impact on my own thoughts and opinions. And when you feel someone affect you that way – it's time to let them go.
8. Social media has us all confused about who our actual friends are. However many hundreds or thousands of people you're connected with online – please make no mistake that only a few handfuls are ACTUALLY your friends. Most of the people you're connected to online are connected to you because they like your content, or they like/dislike you just enough to not want to lose touch permanently for whatever personal motive they have to stay connected. Do not look at your connections and think you have 400 people ready to come bail you out of jail at 2am because you got a DUI. The reality is you probably have less than 10 people that would do that for you. Stop confusing your online connections with friends – and don't get it twisted that this is a bad thing. Social media connections are incredible and definitely allow us to stay closer to each other. Just don't be disillusioned by it.
9. Humans can be petty, grudge-holding fools. Nobody is perfect, and sometimes your best friends make mistakes. Everyone has a choice about what their line in the sand is with another human, and what you'll allow to permanently sever a relationship. And sometimes, it's really stupid but we hold a petty grudge against someone anyway. We hold on to angst like a life raft arrogantly thinking that our self-righteous disdain for our ex-friend makes us an admirable martyr. And oh boy do I speak from experience on this one. But the truth is, this behavior is idiotic and it's immature. We shouldn't lose real friends over insignificant slights in the relationship but sadly we do. We're human.
10. One of you no longer holds value. This is harsh, but it's the truth – some people are only friends with you because one of you has something to offer. Maybe it's a summer home, or a career connection, or a valuable skill they think they'll need help with in the future (like a roofer or a photographer). Make no mistake that there are people in your life who only consider you a friend because they see value in you for their own personal gain. These friendships won't last forever – but truthfully, very few friendships do.
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