Quick note: For the sake of this article, we are only looking at the starting NFL quarterbacks who have shirtless pictures floating around the internet. Which means guys like Russell Wilson, Philip Rivers, Matt Schaub and newcomer Geno Smith are automatically out. Okay, let’s begin.
2. The Worst:
3. Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers
Ben Roethlisberger’s body just makes me laugh. It’s amazing how not in shape he is. That flak jacket must feel like a corset on him.
4. Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions
I don’t know what Matthew Stafford’s diet is during the regular season, but during the offseason it has to contain so many double cheeseburgers. He has the kind of body that just always looks bloated.
5. Eli Manning, New York Giants
Eli Manning looks exactly like what he is: a 32-year-old dad who lives in New Jersey.
6. Peyton Manning, Denver Broncos
Peyton Manning doesn’t necessarily have a bad body, it’s just not the body you’d expect from a professional athlete. It’s too bad for him that he’s going up in this shirtlessness competition against mobile quarterbacks that occasionally have to run more than ten feet at a time for their job. Not a lot of cardio in Peyton’s life.
7. Brandon Weeden, Cleveland Browns
Brandon Weeden is that one friend that everyone has who used to be really athletic, but then got really into drinking during college, and is now trying to get back into shape.
8. The Best:
9. Blaine Gabbert, Jacksonville Jaguars
Blaine Gabbert looks like what I imagine Heath Ledger looked like during his training for A Knight’s Tale. And that movie is so dope.
10. Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins
Did y’all know RG3 was this big? I knew he was in shape, but damn. I wonder what his workouts are like. I’m guessing they’re similar to my nightmares.
11. Christian Ponder, Minnesota Vikings
I know! I can’t believe Ponder has one of the best shirtless bodies, either. But that hairless torso does not lie. And now I know why Samantha Steele married him. Actually, I don’t know why. Is he funny? He must be funny.
12. Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers
If Cam Newton made a workout video, it would probably sell more copies than Jurassic Park. And I’m pretty sure that was a top-selling VHS that year.
13. Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco 49ers
You know how food has the serving size on the back of the package? I wouldn’t be surprised if Colin Kaepernick actually follows that. This fool probably eats like six chips and then he’s done. And no joke, I didn’t even know abs could be that big without steroids. I don’t, man, something’s up. I think it’s his metabolism. HIYO!
14. Honorable Mention:
15. (Worst) Tony Romo: Dallas Cowboys
Why won’t you take your shirt off, Tony Romo? What are you hiding? How big is your belly?
16. (Best) Josh Freeman: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The left was Josh in high school? Maybe? I don’t know. But the right is pretty much what he looks like now. So clearly the dude is cut, but I can’t put him in the Top 5 without a better angle of what he looks like today.
And there you have it. Think we left someone off? Prove it.