1. Yay new job!
2. Can I park there? I don’t wanna get towed.
3. I know I know your name. What was your name again?
4. That wasn’t mentioned in the interview.
5. I think that’s the boss.
6. No wait, that must be the boss.
7. Oh shit – YOU’RE the boss.
8. Leave my stuff in your office? Are you sure? I don’t know how protective I should be.
9. That phone is ringing. Should I answer it?
10. Go where? Where’s that?
11. Talk to who? Who’s that? Can I get a detailed physical description?
12. Can I use this?
13. Wow, that person is gorgeous.
14. And married.
15. I shouldn’t dip my pen in the company ink anyway. Oh hai, gorgeous person #2.
16. Is this the bathroom no one uses? … Nope. Damn it.
17. Will I get yelled at if I have to go to the bathroom a lot?
18. Am I a bad person for already imagining what I’ll be doing with my vacation time?
19. I think I’m gonna like it here.
20. Am I underdressed?
21. Am I overdressed?
22. I hope they didn’t look up my social media profiles beforehand. Better take down those college photos pretty soon just in case.
23. What was this guy’s name again?
24. This person is awesome, I can’t wait to work with them! Oh great, they’re leaving next week.
25. This person really gets on my nerves. Oh great, I’m going to be working with them the majority of the time.
26. This thing just started beeping! It’s not my fault! (I think.)
27. Can I swear here? Maybe not f-bomb level, but if I bang my finger, can I yell ‘shit!’ without impunity?
28. Well, that guy just said ‘motherfucker,’ so I guess it’s okay. But he kinda seems like an asshole. Maybe he’s the Company Asshole and everyone just puts up with it. I don’t wanna be that guy.
29. Thanks, but just because I needed a minor clarification on step 6 of this project doesn’t mean you needed to walk me through steps 1-10 again. I’m not an idiot.
30. Shit, maybe I am. What do I do after step 6?
31. Did I take someone else’s job? What if I did and everyone secretly hates me?
32. What if they all hate me for some other reason?
33. Oh, so you’re the person who was applying for my job before I got it. Nice to meet you? I’m sorry.
34. So, you’re gonna play your music that loud and everyone’s cool with it? I probably shouldn’t say anything.
35. Crap, I have nothing in common with you guys. Yes, the sports team did much sports this weekend, and the weather sucks. We just covered a year’s worth of small talk.
36. I think I might hate it here.
37. Is there a good place to get lunch around here?
38. How stringent are we on getting back from lunch ‘on time’? Is there a grace period?
39. These vending machine prices are higher than I’m used to…
40. Is Casual Friday still a thing?
41. If not it should be. It’s a good transition into Sweatpants Saturday.
42. Oh no, I called you by the wrong name!
43. A senior co-worker just asked me what I like to do in my free time. Do I dare try to explain what Tumblr is? What if she goes on there and is horrified? But what if she totally gets it and I convert another? Better go the safe route: ‘I like reading and hanging out with family and friends.’
44. Yay free donuts!
45. Eh, it’ll be alright.
46. I think everybody here speaks in Inside Jokes.
47. I want to invite people out to after-work drinks but not sure how to do so without looking like an alcoholic.
48. Is it too late to become an astronaut? My eight year-old self must be so disappointed in me.
49. I can’t wait to pass the New Person torch to someone else.
50. GODDAMMIT, WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?!