10 Things Pregnant Women Are Sick Of Hearing:

Seriously. We don't wanna hear it.

1. “Enjoy this time and sleep while you can, pretty soon you won’t have that luxury!”

First off, who said I was even sleeping now? In fact, I haven't slept properly for the last couple of months. Secondly, even if I were getting hours and hours of uninterrupted "sleeping beauty" type slumber, who are you to come shit on my triumph? Yes, I am completely aware that you can't just leave a crying baby in a sock drawer, overdose on Nyquil, and call it a night. I did research what parenting involves, and I agreed to its many trials and sleepless nights.

2. “Oh my God, aren’t you like, freaking out? If I were you, I’d be having a full on panic attack.”

This statement may be popular in my case considering I am 25. Most 25 year olds I know are better at balancing a shot glass on their boobs than balancing their checkbooks. That being said, yes, I am freaking out. I am human. I am also growing a tiny human. Maybe you’re not understanding.. a living being is inside my body and at some point I have to blow this bad boy out through a tight space and go on with my life. So yes, mildly freaking out.

3. “Man, you look exhausted.”

Again, completely aware of that. Even better, I don’t have any good explanation to give you, other than I’m making a baby. I haven’t cleaned my kitchen in 2 weeks, I have 3 loads of laundry piling up, and I may or may not have eaten a Cheerio I found in my hair. I am simply exhausted from being alive in general.

4. “Your body will never look the same. You will never really regain your pre-pregnancy physique.”

Ok, THIS. This is just rude. Just because you never regained your previous physique does not mean I am not some magical being with powers unknown to humanity. In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and think positive. I am gonna look like Beyonce 6 months postpartum. Suck it.

And if I don’t, you can still suck it.

5. “You probably shouldn’t eat too much of that.”

No? Alright, I’ll just eat you.

6. “I felt fine my whole pregnancy! Seriously, worked up until 9 months, and never felt better.”

As much as I’d like to go on a bitter rant, let me just say this: I am incredibly happy for you. In fact, I really think you may be an alien of some sort, but not in a negative way. I will also admit my jealousy. Yes, if you are a super human woman with a uterus of gold who may be immune to the bullshit pains of pregnancy, I do wish I was as fortunate. So on a good day, I may even entertain listening to your tales of good fortune, but if I’m curled up on the couch, drowning in my own melted ice cream with a heating pad on my neck- don’t bother talking.

7. “Well at least you can take Tylenol.”

Let me let you in on a secret, just in case you’ve never been in a position of real pain in your life. Tylenol may actually be the most pointless anti-pain drug to ever hit the shelves. I mean when is the last time you were out with your friends while having a headache, and someone offered up a Tylenol? (If they did, get new friends) Advil: yes. Ibuprofen: great. Tylenol: could help with a minor scratch, but sure as fuck not about to help with the lower back pain, sciatica, pelvic stretch, or the game of musical chairs your organs are playing.

8. “You’re just being hormonal.”

Ah. Breathe deep, pregnant self, breathe deep.

If you’d like to get shot or assaulted by an 8 month pregnant woman, I would definitely suggest pointing out her hormonal situation. She will LOVE it.

9. “Say goodbye to your whole social life, because nothing will ever be the same.”

Really? Weird. I had previously assumed that a newborn baby was totally like a Barbie doll I could tuck away whenevs I wanted to go get white girl wasted with my ladies.

Listen up people of the world, (and mom’s who love reminding us newbies of our impending doom), we know things will be different. In fact, I am pretty sure we wanted it to be that way. We obviously chose to have a child because we wanted to, not because pregnancy sounded like a fun 9 month adventure to cure boredom. And as much as moms-to-be everywhere love their friends, we also love the shit out of our babies-to-be. So yes, getting out of the house to relax will be more of a challenge in the next year, but I assure you, our lives aren’t over. Sure, we may have to check our handbags for shit-stains before we meet our friends for a margarita, but these extra precautions just make us happy we’re moms.

10. “You look huge.”