If Sir Mix-A-Lot Challenged Nicki Minaj To A Battle Of The Badasses

Spoiler alert: His anaconda can't handle this

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vs.

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Sir Mix-A-Lot perches atop a giant butt in a barren desert. The dancers dance. The other dudes nod. Sir Mix-A-Lot declares, "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!!"

His friend in the foreground looks back and whispers to him, "Dude, you've got to cool it with the dated pop culture references - Titanic came out like 17 years ago."

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Nicki Minaj looks over her Queendom from the center of a human Yoni in the middle of the jungle.

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She says nothing, makes intense eye contact, and shakes her ass masterfully, for that is all she must do to convey her strength.

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"Quick!" someone whispers. "Do something!"

The female members of the Mix-a-Lot coterie tap their derrières whimsically to amuse the gentlemen of the desert. "Har har, try to top THAT, Minaj," Sir Mix-A-Lot crosses his arms and nods. His expression: smug.

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Nicki Minaj taps all the asses, at her leisure.

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"Okay, Nicki," retort the women, "But can you all simultaneously touch butts with your arms overlapping?"

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Nicki yawns. "Mutual butt grabbing technology has come a long way since 1992."

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Beads of sweat appear on Sir Mix-A-Lot's brow. "Okay," he says. "But how does your crew dance against a stark white background?"

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"This is getting embarrassing for you, Mix-A-Lot."

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"But I KNOW you don't have a giant construction of the word MIX to dance in front of!" Sir Mix-A-Lot cries.

"So funny you mention that, Sir," Nicki flips her hair over her shoulder. "I must have forgotten to mention the disgusting line of Moscato I recently launched..."

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"...it's called Myx"

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Sir Mix-A-Lot decides to change the conversation. "Be positive," he tells himself. "Focus on her assets and appeal to her ego. Women like that."

Aloud, he gives some unsolicited advice. "You can do side-bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt."

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"I will do whatever the hell I want"

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Sir Mix-A-Lot has given it all he's got, but he simply can't keep up.

"Perhaps if I champion my artistic prowess, she will concede to my superiority..." He thinks to himself as he settles down into the crack of the butt mountain. Once he's comfortable, he alludes to the subtle use of fruit to represent the female form in Baby Got Back.

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"I've been meaning to discuss this with you, Mix-A-Lot," Nicki rolls her eyes. "Many of us noticed the fruit. It wasn't actually subtle at all. In fact, one might argue that much of the imagery in your music video objectifies the thick, beautiful women you claim to appreciate."

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"Hmm I don't really think so, Nicki..."

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"...I can't think of any examples of that off the top of my head," says Sir Mix-A-Lot, scratching his head. He closes his eyes a moment, trying to identify a sexist scene in his 1992 music video for a song about big asses.

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"...mayyybee that one part where my friend is humping the disembodied butt mountain...?" he offers.

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"Lol, yeah, okay." Says Nicki. "I've gotta get back to the kitchen."