It’s Freaking Cold

But there are ways to feel warm again.

1. It’s cold. Like, really, extremely, painfully super cold.

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2. In December there were lights and decorations to distract you from your frostbitten limbs, but now it’s all you can think about.

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3. And sometimes no matter how many layers you pile on…

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4. You still go numb.

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5. On weekends there’s an easy solution: full-body blanket.

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6. But eventially there will be work, or school, or the desperate need to go to CVS. And you’ll have to venture outside. Into the horrible cold.

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7. But there are ways to recover after your brave journey through the ice kingdom your neighborhood has become.

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8. Like microwavable socks.

You’ll be at the microwave anyway, heating your soup and hot cocoa.

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9. Baking.

The oven will make your kitchen warm, the cookies will make your stomach warm, and blending the not-quite-room-temperature butter with all the other ingredients will make that one muscle in your arm warm.

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10. Warming face wash.

I guess the heat helps to open your pores, but that will seem beside the point when you’re trying to get the feeling back into your face.

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11. Arts and crafts involving glue guns.

Because you have become a cold-blooded creature, and you’ll take any excuse to hold something warm.

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12. Opening your laptop and running all the programs.

The jet engine–like whirring of your overheating hard drive will be matched only by the thigh-scorching heat the bottom will give off.

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13. Hot curlers.

They will stab your scalp. You could end up with Little Orphan Annie curls. But your head will be so toasty.

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14. Puppies.

Preferably enough to cover your entire body. They’re like furry little hot water bottles.

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15. Microwavable puppy.

Just don’t tweet about popping your dog in the microwave, it won’t read well.

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16. Watch a movie with hot people.

May or may not be effective depending on how suggestible you are.

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17. Watch a movie with hot people.

Probably more effective.

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18. Before you know it, you’ll forget it’s even winter.

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