It’s Freaking Cold

But there are ways to feel warm again.

1. It’s cold. Like, really, extremely, painfully super cold.

2. In December there were lights and decorations to distract you from your frostbitten limbs, but now it’s all you can think about.

3. And sometimes no matter how many layers you pile on…

5. On weekends there’s an easy solution: full-body blanket.

6. But eventially there will be work, or school, or the desperate need to go to CVS. And you’ll have to venture outside. Into the horrible cold.

7. But there are ways to recover after your brave journey through the ice kingdom your neighborhood has become.

8. Like microwavable socks.

You’ll be at the microwave anyway, heating your soup and hot cocoa.

9. Baking.

The oven will make your kitchen warm, the cookies will make your stomach warm, and blending the not-quite-room-temperature butter with all the other ingredients will make that one muscle in your arm warm.

10. Warming face wash.

I guess the heat helps to open your pores, but that will seem beside the point when you’re trying to get the feeling back into your face.

11. Arts and crafts involving glue guns.

Because you have become a cold-blooded creature, and you’ll take any excuse to hold something warm.

12. Opening your laptop and running all the programs.

The jet engine–like whirring of your overheating hard drive will be matched only by the thigh-scorching heat the bottom will give off.

13. Hot curlers.

They will stab your scalp. You could end up with Little Orphan Annie curls. But your head will be so toasty.

14. Puppies.

Preferably enough to cover your entire body. They’re like furry little hot water bottles.

15. Microwavable puppy.

Just don’t tweet about popping your dog in the microwave, it won’t read well.

16. Watch a movie with hot people.

May or may not be effective depending on how suggestible you are.

17. Watch a movie with hot people.

Probably more effective.

18. Before you know it, you’ll forget it’s even winter.

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