1. The Mastication Diet: Chew your food 100 times per minute to absorb all the goodness. Then spit out the liquid remains, because ain’t nobody got time for digestion.
I’ve been waiting my whole life for a chance to use this GIF.
Answer: Humans. Thanks, Horace Fletcher, AKA “The Great Masticator.” With a nickname like that, you know this guy was in with the ladies.
2. The Wood Diet: Is that wood in your mouth, or are you just happy to see me?
Answer: Seamonsters! Creepy shrimp-like hirondellea gigas are all up in what’s left of The Giving Tree, probably enjoying the taste of all her tears.
3. The Cotton Diet: In which you eat cotton. And nothing else. Ever.
How mad were you when you realized that YouTube video was 45 minutes long?
Answer: Humans. Dude, no self-preserving animal eats cotton. Because it’s not food. Also, it could seriously stop you up.
4. The Sleep Diet: Hibernate those pounds away! This diet involves being asleep 99.9% of the time.
“I lost five pounds!”
Answer: Humans. During the “Sleep Diet,” you are medically sedated for long periods, presumably so that you can’t feel your stomach crumbling in on itself.
5. The “Living Food” Diet: Eat a tapeworm, alive, and expel it from your body once it’s a full-grown adult.
Answer: Humans. They’re nutritious! They grow after you’ve eaten them! They give you dementia!
Seriously, don’t ever do this.
6. Photosynthesis: The lightest diet imaginable.
Mmm-mmm, finger-lickin’ good.
Answer: Trick question! Some seamonsters totally do use photosynthesis (but only toward the surface, because most of the ocean is a pitch-black cavern of death and terror). But there are also people like Wiley Brooks, who preach “breatharianism” (and also workshops to “survive the deadly heat energies of the Ascension process” that apparently occurred last December when we were all vacationing).
It’s not crazy!*
*It’s totally crazy.
7. The Inside-Outside Diet: Eat fish alive by pushing your stomach out of your mouth to swallow your meal whole, then re-swallow your stomach and freak everyone the hell out.
Have I ruined starfish for you?
Answer: Seamonsters! I hope to God you got this one right, because if you didn’t, who the hell are you hanging out with?!
8. The Surprise Diet: Eat mostly meat. Surprise everyone by liking spinach.
Ron Swanson is my food guru.
Answer: Seamonsters! Okay, this one is a little iffy, because I also just basically described the Dukan Diet. But do you know how excited marine biologists were when grenadiers and cusk eels started eating leafy greens? So excited, y’all.
9. The Blue Food Diet: Everything looks blue!
If I were green, I would die.
Answer: Humans. Supposedly if you wear blue sunglasses, it makes all your food look so gross that you won’t want to eat it. Though I’m not sure that I could trick my brain into magically forgetting that my sunglasses, and not the actual food, are what’s throwing off the aesthetic? IDK, guys, diets are weird.
10. The Whatever Diet: Eat whatever the hell you can fit into your mouth, even if you have to distend your jaw!
I CAN DO IT, MOM.
Answer: Seamonsters! Angler fish, man. They are all about body positivity.
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