5 Reasons Pandas Wouldn’t Make Good Best Friends

For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid of pandas. Whereas most people watch these and think, “aww!” and “squee!,” I’m mesmerized by their demon eyes. In an attempt to justify my insanity, here are 5 reasons that pandas wouldn’t make good best friends.

1. 1. This isn’t America’s Next Top Panda Best Friend

Pandas are solitary creatures. A female is not tolerant of other females in her range. As Beyonce said, it is suspicious when a woman cannot get along with other women.

2. 2. Pandas are not good under pressure.

When the going gets tough and 5-0 has caught up, your best friend is either sitting in handcuffs right next to you or breaking out her best Sam Waterson impersonation to get you out of a jam. Pandas seem like they’d sell you out at the first mention of bamboo.

3. 3. A panda will not motivate you to get off the couch.

Pandas spend most of their time lying around and eating. A best friend should encourage you to get off your ass. Otherwise it’s moscato and Batman: The Animated Series all day.

4. 4. Pandas are not reliable.

Pandas like to climb and take shelter in trees but do not establish permanent residences. Will your panda best friend be there to help you analyze that text from your ex or tell you yes those jeans highlight your muffin top but just throw on a peasant shirt and you’ll be fine? Unlikely.

5. 5. Pandas are not good drinking buddies.

Go home, panda. You’re drunk.

6. Note: The above totally legitimate list does not include Red Pandas.

My damaged psyche has chosen to fixate on the Giant Panda, not the Red Panda. I love those little cuties. Give me all the Red Pandas!

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