1. Enough is enough. The signs are all around us. Change is on its way.
2. It’s now or never. We have to do this.
3. Pay attention.
4. This is a revolution.
5. We need to rise up, come together, and fix a problem that has plagued our towns, cities, and streams for far too long.
6. That problem being straight people.
7. Ban them.
8. They’ve ruined our lives for far too long.
11. For we need no more weddings at McDonald’s.
12. No more scary-ass pregnancy announcement photos.
14. So, what can we do, you ask?
16. Forbid them from getting tattoos.
19. It is our duty, as people who are not straight, to stop them.
20. Because straight people are quite literally destroying the world.
21. It’s scientifically proven, by branches of knowledge and discipline, that if we don’t ban straight people, the world will literally explode.
22. It all comes back to breeding (and also PDA), but mostly breeding has gone too far.
23. Think about the parks, our food supply, our resources, and alcohol. They use them all.
24. A world without straight people means a world where opportunity once again exists.
25. A world where we don’t have to see their awkward secondhand embarrassing expressions of love.
26. A world where people don’t compare their wangs to prosthetic legs because WHO DOES THAT?!
27. Straight people. That’s who.
28. Basically, it’s just the right the thing to do. I know it. You know it. We all know it.
- President Obama said that he was "deeply disturbed" by the video showing the police shooting of black teenager Laquan McDonald in Chicago. ›
- Frank Gifford's family says the NFL star had CTE, the degenerative brain disease linked to football. He died in August. ›
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›