1. Enough is enough. The signs are all around us. Change is on its way.
2. It’s now or never. We have to do this.
3. Pay attention.
4. This is a revolution.
5. We need to rise up, come together, and fix a problem that has plagued our towns, cities, and streams for far too long.
6. That problem being straight people.
7. Ban them.
8. They’ve ruined our lives for far too long.
14. So, what can we do, you ask?
16. Forbid them from getting tattoos.
19. It is our duty, as people who are not straight, to stop them.
20. Because straight people are quite literally destroying the world.
21. It’s scientifically proven, by branches of knowledge and discipline, that if we don’t ban straight people, the world will literally explode.
22. It all comes back to breeding (and also PDA), but mostly breeding has gone too far.
23. Think about the parks, our food supply, our resources, and alcohol. They use them all.
24. A world without straight people means a world where opportunity once again exists.
25. A world where we don’t have to see their awkward secondhand embarrassing expressions of love.
26. A world where people don’t compare their wangs to prosthetic legs because WHO DOES THAT?!
27. Straight people. That’s who.
28. Basically, it’s just the right the thing to do. I know it. You know it. We all know it.
In The News Today
- Prosecutors will seek the death penalty for Dylann Roof, accused of killing 9 people in a Charleston church in June. ›
- Kentucky clerk Kim Davis has been taken into federal custody until she orders her staff to issue marriage licenses. ›
- Tom Brady's four-game suspension by the NFL following the "Deflategate" scandal has been overturned by a federal judge. ›