Why It’s Time To Ban Straight People


1. Enough is enough. The signs are all around us. Change is on its way.

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2. It’s now or never. We have to do this.

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3. Pay attention.

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4. This is a revolution.

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5. We need to rise up, come together, and fix a problem that has plagued our towns, cities, and streams for far too long.

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6. That problem being straight people.

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7. Ban them.

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8. They’ve ruined our lives for far too long.

Ugh. Straight people are the worst. This guy just stood right in my line of sight with this guy I was cruising on the tube.

— Hamish (@AGayToRemember)
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9. Your time is up, kids.

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10. We can’t take it anymore.

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11. For we need no more weddings at McDonald’s.

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12. No more scary-ass pregnancy announcement photos.

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13. No more Missouri.

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14. So, what can we do, you ask?

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15. We must banish them from Facebook.

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16. Forbid them from getting tattoos.

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17. Take away their phones.

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18. And rescind their computer privileges.

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19. It is our duty, as people who are not straight, to stop them.

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20. Because straight people are quite literally destroying the world.

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21. It’s scientifically proven, by branches of knowledge and discipline, that if we don’t ban straight people, the world will literally explode.

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22. It all comes back to breeding (and also PDA), but mostly breeding has gone too far.

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23. Think about the parks, our food supply, our resources, and alcohol. They use them all.

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24. A world without straight people means a world where opportunity once again exists.

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25. A world where we don’t have to see their awkward secondhand embarrassing expressions of love.

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26. A world where people don’t compare their wangs to prosthetic legs because WHO DOES THAT?!

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27. Straight people. That’s who.

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28. Basically, it’s just the right the thing to do. I know it. You know it. We all know it.

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29. It’s been real, straight people.

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30. But nope.

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31. No. No. No.

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32. #stopstraightpeople2014

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