Sister Act isn't just a movie.
Sister Act is a frame of mind. Sister Act is a state of being. Sister Act is a lifestyle.
I have no idea what any of that really means, but I can say that the Sister Act duology* is one of the greatest (most underrated) duologies of all time.
*made-up word meaning a two-movie series
THAT BEING SAID, the news that Sister Act is getting remade is extremely unsettling and problematic. It is, to be frank, A GOSH DARN SIN. Sister Act cannot, and should never be, duplicated.
The Sister Act films are credited with changing the way we look at the witness protection program, choirs, inner-city Catholic high schools, and nuns in general.
I am a better Catholic because of Sister Act.
For the first time ever, nuns were portrayed as something other than ladies of the Lord. They were women with personalities and stories of their own. They had, quite literally, voices (like, singing ones). Sister Act made nuns cool again.
On the surface, Sister Act is dark as hell: A struggling Reno lounge singer (who calls herself a headliner) ends up in the witness protection program. She almost gets MURDERED. Then she gets basically imprisoned in a convent.
But at its core, Sister Act is so much more.
The main reason Sister Act COULD NEVER BE DUPLICATED lies at its core: the impeccable ensemble cast. This nunnery could never be replicated.
Sister Act is Whoopi Goldberg's most prolific acting role to date. Never has Whoopi played a more convincing character.
Besides Whoopi, the other nuns held their own. They just felt like real nuns.
What Sister Alma lacked in hearing, she made up for in her general zest for life. Her hearing aide was a character in and of itself. No one could not hear Whoopi Goldberg like her. No one.
Sister Mary Lazarus was a rugged old nun who valued the old days of nun past (no running water). She was that crotchety lovable lady with the raspy voice.
Mother Superior was a cold but necessarily hard bitch. We hated her so much...until we loved her. The English accent helped.
Kathy Najimy, better known as "Sister Mary Patrick," was pure unparalleled sunshine.
Iconic.
And then there's Sister Mary Roberts.
Sister Mary Roberts' solos were some of the greatest solos of all time! Never has the word "seraphim" sounded so triumphant. It was enough to make gay children, like me, quiver.
And don't even say "it wasn't her voice." Sister Mary Roberts' presence was SO MUCH MORE than just a voice!
Now to the real meat + bones. Sister Act wouldn't be Sister Act without the musical numbers.
View this video on YouTube
Chills every. Single. Time.
Never has a choir consisting solely of nuns and directed by a Reno lounge singer made such an impact. You guys, THEY MET THE POPE. It doesn't get bigger than that.
AND THAT'S ONLY THE FIRST MOVIE.
Though not as good as the original (STOP LYING TO YOURSELF IF YOU DISAGREE), Sister Act 2 is still a powerful piece of film.
It made me (kind of) want to go to Catholic school (minus the uniforms).
The sequel found Sister Mary Clarence "back in the habit" doing what she does best ---> revitalizing struggling choirs in urban environments.
And boy, did she save that struggling choir in an urban environment.
Sister Act 2 is notable for giving us the greatest music moment of all time.
I'm talking about "Oh Happy Day." Duh.
View this video on YouTube
This moment could never, ever be replicated.
Sister Act 2 also gave us the iconic line, "Take off your robes."
View this video on YouTube
And it is the only time we will ever see Lauryn Hill and Jennifer Love Hewitt together in one room.
Honestly, you know I could talk about the cultural impact of Sister Act and how it's fucked up that they are EVEN CONSIDERING remaking it all day...
...but ultimately, it's the message that sticks. Sister Act was so influential because it gave the youth of the '90s hope. It made us believe in the camaraderie of nuns. It made us believe in the power of song.
ANYONE could be in a successful choir regardless of talent.
So, WWJD?
JESUS WOULD NOT REMAKE SISTER ACT. END OF STORY. AMEN AND GOODBYE.
