69 Things You Need To Know About The Gathering Of The Juggalos

We went to the 2013 Gathering of the Juggalos and are here to tell you everything you need to know. Whoop whoop!

69. If you want to have a good time then you should shave your head and paint a weed leaf on top.

68. Or just get a hatchetman tattoo at the tattoo booth. We’d advise against the $165 “SHROOMHEAD” tattoo, though.

But if that doesn’t seem good, just get a clown tattoo. There is an entire wall dedicated to them.

67. You can watch some dude funnel a a cocktail of Faygo, hot sauce, and liquor from some guy in a hockey mask.

Pro tip: The person chugging the Faygo will probably throw up.

66. If you want to ride in style, you should probably do this to your car.

Works great at weddings, birthdays, brises, and funerals too.

65. Juggalos like to attach balloons to themselves. Attach one to yourself if you don’t want to get lost.

Bonus photobomb by some dude coming out of a Porta-Potty with a walking stick.

64. If you and a friend want to dress up, good options are Juggalo Fred Flintstone and Juggalo Barney Rubble.

Yabba dabba WHOOP WHOOP.

63. The safest way to ride a carnival ride is to go on one operated by some dude in a 420 shirt.

It’s safe, I swear!

62. The best way to carry your drink is inside a chicken.

Self-explanatory.

61. There is a man who hangs from the skin of his back and swings back and forth with Faygo bottles attached to him.

He does this several times over the course of the Gathering.

60. If you really want to stand out while wearing a penis on your face, you should probably wear three.

Probably want to get it pierced too.

59. Apply for Batman porn.

No men allowed. And I thought this was 2013…

58. You’re probably going to get photobombed. Photobombs are so hot right now in Juggalo culture.

Do it. Often.

57. Fuck the FBI.

FUCK ‘EM!

56. You will see a lot of butts.

Male, female, whatever. If you plan on showing your ass, make sure you sunscreen it!

55. One of the best places to hang out is the Juggalo strip club.

It’s open all day! All ages allowed!

54. Make sure you enjoy the little things, like empty Faygo bottles floating in Hepatitis Lake.

53. If it’s your first Gathering, a good move is to make a bodysuit out of a pizza box.

…complete with a personal blunt roller.

Brilliant.

52. Keep your boyfriend close and your Faygo closer.

It’s kind of adorable.

51. Don’t pass out during a show.

But if you do, make sure you’re holding onto something.

50. You probably shouldn’t go to the bathroom outside next to a wall covered in bad porn.

But you should visit it.

49. You’re going to see a lot of Juggalos passed out in funny places every morning.

So it’s a good idea to remember to pass out in a proper place not covered in mud with your shoes on.

Don’t pass out just outside your tent.

Don’t pass out in the middle of Hepatitis Lake.

48. This is totally safe.

And a fairly common occurrence around the campgrounds.

47. The Gathering might be the only place where you can see a little person named Penguin smoke a bowl while simultaneously going through a tennis racquet.

Might be.

46. Murdersota is a great name for Minnesota.

Be creative with your state name. “Wicked Wisco” is another memorable state name, and Wisconsin is very well represented at the Gathering.

45. Read the bathroom graffiti.

But you’re probably going to want to hold your breath when you go in there.

44. The Gathering might just be the best place to find a new name for your metal band.

Call yourself The Fetus Defeaters.

43. If you want to decorate your campsite, bring a bunch of Snapple umbrellas and put a “Fresh Oil” sign outside of your tent.

The more original and creepier, the better.

Or stick a banana peel to a tree.

42. Juggalos love a good punch or kick in the dick.

So if you’re down on cash, you can always sell yourself!

41. If you’re feeling adventurous, get a vagina fumigation.

Not sure what it is, but do it!

40. Check out the underground stage for new talent.

Or you’ll hear them. They literally play ‘til the sun comes up.

39. Wear “slut” leggings.

A good look on everyone.

38. There is a guy who looks like a Juggalo version of the lead singer of Smash Mouth.

He emceed a lot of events and was generally a pretty funny dude.

37. Dye your chinstrap.

No-brainer. Daddy Long Legs — for real, that’s his name — has got it figured out.

36. Tie string to your beard and make a really long beard string.

I mean, what else are you going to do with your beard? Just make sure no one pulls on it!

35. You need to check out the tattoo competition.

And you will for sure see some seriously awesome tattoos. Like, how awesome is this tattoo?

34. There is an Australian Juggalo.

They exist! This guy was a big hit for his accent (and his tattoo).

33. If you’re lost, get fucking info at the info tent.

FUCK!!!

32. If you’re going to shower (most Juggalos do), use the ones on top of the hill. The trailer showers are busier and, you know, in trailers.

Also, trailer showers exist in the first place, in case you were wondering.

31. Check out the drug bridge, if that’s your thing.

The Gathering is all about freedom. Just take it easy, OK?

But don’t die on the drug bridge, otherwise you’ll ruin it for everyone.

The two trucks in this picture are blocking the infamous drug bridge. The drug bridge is where people can easily sell and buy drugs. All drugs. Everything including oxy, coke, ketamine, marijuana, acid, molly. You name it, they got it!

30. You might want to wear a shirt that calls Jesus a cunt.

You will be popular.

You should also wear your “chubby fingers” shirt…

…ripped-up leggings…

…and a “FUCK YOU!” shirt, because why not?

29. Don’t be frightened by a man wearing a Batman cape and a huge dildo.

It’s normal at the Gathering. It’s cool.

28. Get the stoner bowl.

The stoner bowl is one of the few good food options at the Gathering. The stoner bowl contains chili, chicken, peppers & onions, French fries, and nacho cheese.

Just don’t watch them pour the cheese out of a can.

Yikes.

And don’t get the chicken on a stick. It will give you severe heartburn.

Our biggest mistake.

27. Be ready to meet all different types of people.

Juggalos come from far and wide and from all professions.

26. The ground is uneven. Don’t trip.

And if it rains, you’re screwed.

RIP SHOES.

25. Make sure you try out the games. You can win Cheetos and hot fries.

There is a Juggalo arcade on site called “Pimp Lights.”

24. If it’s your birthday, wear a sign that asks for things.

Juggalos are nice people. They will give you free drugs or free sex if you ask for it, especially if it’s your birthday.

23. Spell “tits” correctly.

Very important. Probably the most important thing on this list.

22. Paint your child’s face.

There were a bunch of families at the Gathering this year. Swim in Hepatitis Lake or take them on carnival rides. Just please keep them away from the drug bridge.

21. You should rename your car, but it’s doubtful you’ll think of a better name than the “Juggabago.”

Also bring a cane and pose by it.

20. Big Silva is a giant duct-tape ball. If you like watching things like toilets and computers being destroyed, then you should check that out.

It is ridiculously entertaining.

19. Advertise your Juggalette cam service.

Looks good to us.

18. Hepatits Lake gets increasingly dirty as the Gathering goes on. You probably shouldn’t swim in it.

17. Megaphones are all the rage. They will wake you up throughout the night.

And it will probably be someone yelling something about poop.

16. Get a balloon penis made. They also make vaginas.

Perfect for couples.

15. Juggalo sunscreen = flour.

Kidding. But watch out, the love trains throw flour.

14. Watch where you sit in the morning. You might sit on someone’s old egg sandwich and a flyer for a band called Spoiled Milk.

RIP egg & bacon sandwich.

13. Don’t drop your funnel cake on the ground. It’s sad.

RIP funnel cake. We hardly knew you.

12. The best place to have a romantic moment is situated right in front of the French fry stand.

11. Be creative when selling your drugs. There is a lot of competition, so do what you can to get noticed.

A molly box-o-lantern is a great DIY for the kids.

Also, don’t drop your sign!

RIP OXY SIGN.

10. Put a doll on a pole.

It’s fun and disturbing.

…or just carry your doll…

Keep it close to your heart.

…or stick a tampon in her head.

Again, self-explanatory.

9. Eat a corn dog while telling people to go to hell.

The corn dogs are delicious. Hell probably is too.

8. Check out the rap battle. You might even get to see a man dressed as a wolf.

It’s surprisingly good. There’s a rapper named Wolf Man. For real.

7. Yarn is basically the Juggalo version of hair extensions.

People do it and it’s totally normal at the Gathering.

6. Go topless.

Male or female, most people do it, and it is also totally normal at the Gathering.

And wear colored contacts.

5. Avoid the love trains…unless you want to be covered in Faygo or flour or some other mysterious substance.

Love trains, which are school buses that go around the Gathering, are unpredictable. You can get on and off of them throughout the grounds. Just be careful. People tend to throw mad shit off of them.

Don’t hang out of the back of a love train where someone has written “poop.”

Poop is never a good look.

4. Always buy pants that are hanging from the back of a truck.

Worth every penny of $60.

3. If you are not a Juggalo, then you should pretend you are. That way you can get a discount on Hula-Hoops.

This is key.

2. If you need titty, you should make a sign.

How else will people know you need titty?

1. Watch the fireworks after ICP performs.

And reflect on your weekend because one thing is for certain: You’ll never ever see any place as ridiculous, scary, strange, and outrageously fun like the Gathering.

All photos by Matt.

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