89 Things I Learned At The Gathering Of The Juggalos

1. It's totally normal to walk around with a bong and a 2-liter of Faygo.

2. The Gathering is the only place where it's perfectly acceptable to wear a shirt with the word "Cunt" on it.

Juggalos do not like Nicki Minaj. This shirt was very popular amongst the Juggalos.

3. You can air condition a car like this.

4. You will not sleep on a bus full of Juggalos.

Also, never drink anything a Juggalo made in a big Poland Spring bottle. You will be hungover the next day.

5. Everyone hits their bong.

6. You never need this much ketchup.

7. Some Juggalo tattoos are actually pretty cool.

8. Some Juggalos wear skinny jeans.

9. Juggalos are probably the only people left who like Charlie Sheen.

The Juggalos loved Charlie Sheen. The ~lamestream~ media was wrong. The Juggalos did not boo him, but they did throw shit at him. He was asking for it, and the Juggalos throw shit at everyone. It's what they do.

10. Juggalos do not like Wi-Fi.

11. Red Faygo is gross. Purple Faygo is good. Diet Faygo tastes like nothing.

Diet Faygo is also best for giving Faygo showers. ICP uses the diet stuff during their concerts because they can launch the bottles further. It's also less sticky.

12.

13. This exists.

14. There are absolutely NO RULES at The Gathering. You can find every drug there.

The Drug Bridge is where most commerce occurs. It's a bridge you have to walk over to get to the main concert stage. You can find ANYTHING on the Drug Bridge.

15. Wait, there was one rule actually.

They had 2 bouncy bounces that you had to take your shoes off for.

16. Never get the "Big Boss Hog" for breakfast.

17. Be careful of the Juggalo bus. They WILL throw plastic bottles and cans at you.

They also have super-soakers full of Faygo.

18. I look really good behind the wheel of the Juggalo bus.

19. Giving someone a Faygo shower is the best feeling in the world. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

This was the first Faygo shower I gave.

20. My favorite name for a Juggalo is "Jigglez"

21. My favorite name for a Juggalette is "Pretzelette"

22. The corn dogs are delicious. By far the best food at The Gathering.

Seriously AMAZING.

23. "Jeffreys" really do exist.

Some Juggalette came up to us during a show asking us for uppers for her Jeffrey. She was really fucked up.

24. The back of Ron Jeremy's head is gross.

He also wears Crocs.

25. Always carry a bottle of Faygo.

Faygo is good for bartering. You can get almost anything with it.

26. Some face paint can be pretty cool.

27. Every Juggalette has a "psycho bitch" something or other.

28. Juggalos do not like The Black Eyed Peas.

29. Neden = vagina.

30. Juggalos like bacon, too.

31. Don't try the turkey legs.

They are made of muscle.

32. Juggalos don't clap.

They "Whoop Whoop." We heard no clapping the entire time.

33. Juggalos like to decorate their umbrellas.

During the day lots of Juggalos carried around umbrellas.

34. Never pass out next to a box of Cheez-Its.

35. Topless women with clown masks are terrifying.

See above.

36. Fuck hills.

The campgrounds were extremely hilly. We had to walk up a huge hill to get to our campsite. FUCK HILLS. EVERY TIME.

37. There are puppies.

This little guy was on the Drug Bridge.

38. Juggalos tag EVERYTHING.

39. Lighting glow sticks on fire is beautiful.

The glow stick in this guy's hand was mine. I also never knew people had special poles just for burning glow sticks.

40. Juggalos are the only ones left on Myspace.

41. Don't eat the burgers.

42. Juggalettes don't like wearing underwear.

We saw so many Juggalettes with their asses hanging out.

43. Never eat a corn dog topless.

44. Always wear sunscreen!

This guy was wearing the same sweatpants for 4 days. It was UNREAL.

45. This is not sexy.

46. Juggalos ask really dumb questions.

47. It might've been pineapple.

I didn't end up finding out, but I guessed "pineapple" and the guy said I was close.

48. Everyone still hates Tila Tequila.

49. Your grandfather could be a Juggalo.

Spotted this guy near our tent.

50. Don't get a frozen drink at Bongos.

The drinks have basically no alcohol. Pointless.

51. Juggalos are the only people who watch the Steve Wilkos show.

52. Always close your tent.

So many Juggalos passed out in random places every morning.

53. This lady didn't know shit.

54. Reggie = regular weed.

55. This is what Alan Jackson looks like with clown paint.

56. I actually really like an ICP song.

57. Don't bury your drugs.

Not really sure what this guy was doing, but I'm pretty sure it was drug-related.

58. (Some) Juggalos are Republicans.

We also saw a bunch of "Don't Tread On Me" flags. Not sure if they were Tea Party related or not.

59. There are classy Juggalettes.

Spotted these nicely dressed 'lettes at the concert.

60. There's a Juggalo that looks exactly like Justin Bieber.

He even smokes cigarettes.

61. Giant umbrellas are pointless.

I still don't get it.

62. In Juggalo world, strip clubs are 24/7.

There were always naked 'lettes pole dancing.

63. Always wear shoes on gravel roads.

So many people were walking around barefoot.

64. You can get a Juggalo tattoo in the middle of the woods.

65. You can get also get a Juggalo abortion in the middle of the woods.

66. There are British Juggalos.

67. I'm gay.

68. No person should EVER dye their hair like this.

69. There are Mexican Juggalos.

This is DieNasty. He is Mexican. And a Juggalo. La Familia!

70. A Juggalo owns his own web design company.

71. There is such a thing as legal ecstasy.

We didn't try it.

72. NEVER swim in Hepatitis lake.

Those barrels were from a raft. After the first day, someone broke the raft and the barrels were released all over the lake. The green stuff is algae. The water is also turquoise.

73. Juggalos have mixed feelings about Nutella.

74. The pizza is gross (and costs $4 a slice!!!).

75. The Port-A-Potties are AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE. Like, you have no idea.

76. No one fights at The Gathering.

I saw 0 fights at The Gathering. If a fight started to break out, people would defuse the situation by chanting "Fam-i-ily, Fam-i-ily, Fam-i-ily."

77. Juggalos smoke Newports.

Newports were by far the most popular brand of cigarettes.

78. I should've brought a bike.

I was exhausted from walking around every day. I was jealous of all the people with ATVs, bikes, mopeds, scooters, etc.

79. Juggalos love to yell shit.

The most popular things people yelled were: "Whoop whoop," "Show me your butthole," "Show me your tits," "You fucked up," "Fam-i-ly," "Fuck your sleep," and "Piss yourself."

80. Don't go to the Faygo bar.

The Faygo bar was the only place I was nervous to go. The "bar" only served Faygo, but for some reason it was really intimidating. Too many strung out Juggalos.

81. Kids definitely don't belong at The Gathering.

There were a bunch of Juggakids at The Gathering. Most of them were miserable.

82. Juggalos love Michael Jackson.

My favorite part of The Gathering was the Michael Jackson vs. Prince dance-off. Michael Jackson easily won, but Prince still put on a show. They also tossed free hot dogs and hamburgers into the crowd. I ate 2!

83. Try the French toast.

84. The helicopter rides are worth it.

There was a helicopter you could take for a 2 minute tour of the area. It was $30, but totally worth it.

85. The showers are pretty clean.

I showered twice. The first time there was a big bandage and a lizard in my shower. The second time it was totally clean!

86. Juggalos have seminars.

ICP and some of the other bands held seminars. You can see ICP's seminar here.

87. Carnival rides are totally free.

They had 4 carnival rides that were free to use. The lines weren't even that long.

88. There are feminist Juggalettes.

89. The Gathering is a REALLY good time.

Yes, we didn't sleep, and saying "whoop whoop" to everyone got old fast. But overall, The Gathering was a great time.