1. In an appearance unparalleled since the rising of Jesus Christ from a cave in Jerusalem long ago in olden times, lit’ral “hot” god Ryan Gosling came back into our lives at a gas station this week.
And now, as we do, let’s celebrate this with a Bible verse from Luke something or other: “For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate.”
3. AND CELEBRATE WE WILL.
HALLELUJAH. HALLELUJAH. AMEN. AMEN.
4. He was wearing a plaid blue shirt, sunglasses, black pants, and boots. His breasts free in the wind.
5. As He decided which grade of gasoline to put in His machine, His forearms flexed. His eyes strained. And an angel got its wings.
Notice, there are lit’ral flowers behind him, a sign of divinity.
6. Then, at that moment, a ray of light hit His Adam’s apple and He knew it was time. It was time to fill that puppy up.
7. He inserted His nozzle into the car, pressed the lever, and she (or him IDK the sex of his car) was filled.
8. He put the lever back, completely exhausted from His previous deed.
10. He looks over his car for any other holy business that needs doing.
- Illinois' attorney general has asked the U.S. Department of Justice's Civil Rights Division to investigate Chicago's police department. ›
- Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says he'll give away 99% of his Facebook shares (worth $45 billion today) over the course of his life. ›
- And a Turkish court had to call in experts to determine whether a man comparing the country's president to Gollum from "Lord of the Rings" was an insult. ›