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Celebrity

Britney Spears Is Not Fat So Shut Up And Sit Down

Bye.

1. We have a problem here.

2. A group of actual monsters we will refer to as “Blind Ignorant Haters” are going around saying horrible, misguided things about Britney Spears’ weight.

3. Which, first of all, is rude as fuck. Like who does that? And second of all, IS NOT EVEN TRUE AND EVEN IF IT WAS WHO THE FUCK CARES SHE IS LITERALLY IN AMAZING SHAPE.

4. Excuse my tone, it just bothers me when people are rude and ignorant. I just hate it.

5. I hate when people make broad, uneducated statements.

6. I hate when people who can’t see pretend that they can.

7. I hate when people question her ability to walk up stairs.

8. Like, she probably had to go to the bathroom.

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9. And frankly, I just fucking hate you.

10. And you.

11. ALL OF YOU.

12. So let’s talk about it.

13. Let’s first talk about radiance. This picture was taken in early December. As you can see, Britney Spears is basically shitting out rays of hope and positivity. That’s what happens when you train for weeks/months. You get this glow. She has that glow.

Marcel Thomas/Zuma Press / MCT

14. THAT GLOW.

Steve Marcus / Reuters

15. She took that glow into her Vegas show.

16. Um, who is this person we haven’t seen in six years?

17. And by god, she is working it out.

18. She’s also a mother of two. You know how hard it is to feed two kids and not eat their food yourself?

That’s, like, impossible.

19. There’s also this totally filtered photo some Stan made of her comparing her body from 2000 and 2013.

Totally legit.

20. And you have to understand that bad photos OBVIOUSLY happen.

21. Skin moves in mysterious ways and you never know where it’s going to bulge. Also she’s not, like, 22 anymore.

22. She is a grown-ass healthy woman.

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23. And she looks great.

24. She is basically a brick, like one giant muscle.

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It’s her body type.

25. You don’t just make fun of someone’s body type.

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26. And who fat shames anymore? That’s, like, so 2009.

27. So how do we fix this?

28. Let her eat Cheetos.

29. Let her eat chips.

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30. And let her drink all of the goddamn Frapps she wants.

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31. Bye, haters.

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32. Eat shit and die.

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