I just called fives in my family living room. Living in the fraternity house is wearing off way too much.
1. Sitting with their legs wide open.
2. Wearing snapbacks to the gym.
3. Not wearing scarves.
4. Drawing penises everywhere.
5. Eating the same food four days in a row.
6. Never getting a burrito bowl.
7. Jeans that don’t fit.
8. Shirts that don’t fit.
9. Shorts that don’t fit.
10. Nothing that actually fits.
11. Hair gel.
12. Having loyalty to a shitty beer.
13. Feeling uncomfortable for ordering wine.
14. Talking about the difference between the buzzes you get from wine and beer.
15. Pretending they don’t like gossip when that’s all they do.
16. Being super embarrassed if they order diet soda.
17. Arguing about cars.
18. Regular soda.
19. Grabbing one another’s asses.
20. Rubbing one another’s shoulders.
21. Touching one another in general.
22. Hats that are so ripped up that they should just throw them out.
24. Boxers they’ve had for years and years.
25. Transitioning to boxer briefs.
26. Not throwing out underwear.
27. Those Adidas flip-flops.
28. The song “Call Me Maybe.”
29. Eating fast food.
30. Taylor Swift’s discography.
31. Taylor Swift as a person.
32. Flip-flops and socks.
33. Talking about not eating salad.
34. Being grossed out by salad.
35. Hating vegans.
36. Refusing to eat vegan food.
37. Not understanding vegetarians.
38. Being passive-aggressive to vegetarians.
39. Asking vegetarians if they’d eat meat.
40. Calling their friends “buddies.”
41. Saying “Is he, you know?” when talking about a gay guy.
42. Buying sunglasses at gas stations.
43. Not cutting their toenails.
44. Having questionable nail care in general.
45. Wearing shorts when it’s really cold outside.
46. Wearing basketball shorts under sweats.
47. Wearing underwear under board shorts.
48. Tank tops.
50. Calling fives.
52. Steaks/meat in general.
53. Sitting with at least one hand in their pants.
54. Trying to grow facial hair.
55. Talking about how pathetic their facial hair is.
56. Acknowledging good facial hair.
57. Cargo shorts.
58. Shorts that are too long.
59. Liking dogs more than cats.
60. Saying they don’t understand cats.
61. Listening to only one radio station.
64. Saying “word.”
65. Saying “dude.”
66. Saying “my man.”
67. Arizona Iced Tea.
68. Having no idea what coconut water is.
69. Never trying it.
70. Cheap haircuts.
71. Getting that same cheap haircut for years even though they never like it.
72. Using the word “bro” passive-aggressively.
73. Saying they don’t like when girls wear makeup.
74. Thinking that saying they don’t like when girls wear makeup is a nice thing to say.
75. Saying cheerleading isn’t a sport.
77. Having no idea how to shop in general.
78. Having their mom buy all of their clothes for them.
79. Making a big deal whenever they wear pink.
80. Loud car noises.
83. Watching videos of people hurting themselves.
84. Pointing at people in pictures.
85. Bucket hats.
86. The song “Wrecking Ball.”
87. Knowing all the words to “Wrecking Ball.”
88. Screaming all the words to “Wrecking Ball.”
89. Pretending they don’t really like “Wrecking Ball” by screaming the words but actually on the inside they are FEELING it.
90. Putting “I don’t read” on the books section on Facebook.
91. Ironically drinking mixed drinks.
92. Ironically drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
93. Arguing over who can kick/throw balls further.
94. Energy drinks.
96. Not asking for directions.
97. Getting annoyed when you look at directions on your phone anyway just to make sure.
98. Pretending they like cigars. (Whether or not they actually do is irrelevant.)
99. Making sure every single beer pong rule is followed ALWAYS.
100. Still quoting Anchorman.
FYI, the title has been changed after hearing feedback saying this list applies to ALL straight guys.