1. We haven’t made the playoffs since the 1999–2000 season.
2. …where this happened.
OK, here’s the thing: There’s no conceivable way a tight end can throw a ball 30 yards on a straight line. I don’t care what “video replay” and “technology” tells us, the Music City Miracle was an illegal forward pass.
4. We’ve had seven coaches since Marv Levy retired after the 1997 season.
From left: Wade Phillips, Greg Williams, Mike Mularkey.
Who were all successful coordinators and not so successful head coaches…
(From left to right: Dick Juron, Perry Fewell, Chan Gailey)
5. We have our fingers crossed about Doug Marrone.
I mean what else are we supposed to do?
6. The only thing more unstable than our coaching situation is our quarterback play…
From left: Ryan Fitzpatrick, Trent Edwards, Brian Brohm.
We’ve had 10 since Jim Kelly, and they’ve had one thing in common…
From left: J.P. Losman, Kelly Holcomb, Drew Bledsoe.
They all fucking suck.
(From left to right: Todd Collins, Alex Van Pelt, Rob Johnson)
7. Except this guy… Who ownership didn’t trust, because he’s short.
Every Bills fan has a box of Flutie Flakes laying around somewhere.
8. Since 2000, we’re 3-25 against the New England Patriots…
9. …who have outscored the Bills by 350 points during that stretch.
10. Remember 2005? When we lost to the Steelers on the last day of the season to miss the playoffs…
11. That game was at home, and the Steelers rested the following players:
From left: Ben Roethlisberger, Jerome Bettis, Plaxico Burress.
12. Or that time we miraculously lost to the Browns 6-3?
Seriously, how is that possible?!
13. Remember hosting Monday Night Football for the first time in 14 years, forcing Tony Romo into five interceptions and losing on a last second 50-yard field goal?
15. Who could forget wasting first round picks on Aaron Maybin and Mike Williams?
16. Or trading Marshawn Lynch the Seahawks for a fourth and fifth round draft pick…
17. He became an all-pro running back and is known for arguably the most memorable run in playoff history.
19. We all know how much Willis LOVED Buffalo!
20. Hell, even the best player in franchise history initially didn’t want to play for us.
21. Oh yeah! Remember this fucking guy?
22. We’ve become accustomed to casual heartbreak…
23. Injuries? We got them in spades…
25. So sometimes we have a little too much to drink.
26. And we might blame god for our failures every once in a while.
27. But we’re also intensely loyal…
28. And uh, sometimes we’re just insanely intense…
29. I mean, this is how we celebrate Week 3 victories.
30. Call us delusional, but this is STILL an incredible achievement.
31. We’re gonna turn the corner soon, we’re gonna make history…
32. Even if “making history” means starting an undrafted free agent in Week 1 for the first time in NFL history.
DISCLAIMER: I am a man and therefore incapable of experiencing childbirth; however, I am a diehard Bills fan and holy shit does it suck.