Five years ago, a 30-something bar owner/degenerate drinker from Philadelphia wrote a fan letter to Phillies star second baseman Chase Utley. He poured his entire soul and second grade education into the love note hoping his hero would respond — and maybe have a catch.
I feel like I can call you chase because you and me are so alike. I’d like to meet you one day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can’t throw as fast as you but I think you’d be impressed with my speed. I love your hair, you run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have no been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. I hope you write back this time, and we can become good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real homerun!
5. But alas, it was not to be, and thus began a half decade of binge drinking…
7. And poorly fitting turtlenecks.
8. That is, until today…
I feel I can call you Mac because you called me Chase. Sorry it took me five years to write back but I am really busy playing a lot of baseball for the Phillies. Thank you for the compliment on my hair. It is my fourth favorite thing after baseball, running fast and my dad. I’m sorry your dad doesn’t like you. Maybe you could become a better son. Meeting you and having a game of catch sounds like a lot of fun, but like I said I’m really busy playing a lot of baseball for the Phillies. I hope you have a good life. Fans like you make my life a grand slam!
Your good friend,