1. "Next year will be different, next year I'll be done early," you said last Christmas Eve.
2. But here you are again with just weeks – nay, DAYS – to go 'til the big day, and you still haven't bought any presents.
3. "This shouldn't take long at all, it'll be fine", you say, forgetting last year's debacle.
4. "Worst comes to worst, I'll lock myself in my room with a bottle of gin and make something ~handmade~ for everyone."
5. In classic Christmas tradition, roughly everyone in the whole city has also waited until the 11th hour to do their shopping.
6. So you can barely move down the streets, let alone the aisle.
7. And by the time you get to your shop of choice, whole shelves are empty.
8. "It's OK," you assure yourself. "There's still plenty of time – there's a whole three days left of trading."
9. The department store suddenly turns the sound system up five notches so you can no longer block Mariah Carey out with your headphones.
10. But then you notice that to deal with the stress, shop assistants are offering customers free booze.
11. And free mince pies.
12. "I'll just have one of each to restore the nerves," you say, reaching for a glass.
13. Restored by the powers of alcohol and pastry, you set about BUYING STUFF.
14. If you're a super late shopper, chances are that there are some last-minute Christmas sales going down – which means bargains galore.
15. And because everything's so cheap, you can afford to buy yourself a Christmas present too.
16. An hour later, you realise that you may have a new wardrobe, but you still have NOTHING FOR ANYONE ELSE.
17. "Right," you think. "I'll just buy everyone £15 worth of toiletries."
18. And so you chuck a load of hairspray into your basket, satisfied that that's what your loved ones are just gonna have to get this year.
19. But then when you’re standing in the queue to pay, you start to wonder if repackaging the Secret Santa gift you got from work would be a better idea.
20. And you wonder if you should just see most of your family after Christmas, to buy yourself more time.
21. You text everyone to desperately get out of any Christmas drinks that might expect some kind of present-swapping.
22. As shops begin to close, you see desperate, frightened-looking men buying up all kinds of excessively expensive, panicky gifts for their partners.
23. And you wish that you had their kind of money to throw at the situation.
24. So you just buy your basket of crap and hope that a handmade card will make up for the lack of thought, creativity, and quality.
25. You just pray that, come the big day, everyone's too trashed to give a fuck.
26. "Next year will be different," you promise yourself on the train home. "Next year, I'm doing it early!"
