1. Give them an “Over 40 Starter Kit.”
Fill it with everything they’ll need in their twilight years, like Centrum, laxatives, urine guards, and Icy Hot.
3. Send them this Louis C.K. rant on how crappy it is to be 40.
“It’s just shitty now.”
4. Mention that babies born after they graduated from college are now in college themselves.
5. Gift them this “comprehensive” guide to sex after 40.
The book is blank on the inside.
6. Throw an arm over their shoulder and say, “If you had a kid at 20, and then that kid had a baby at 20, you’d be a grandparent!”
8. Help them battle the incontinence they’re sure to experience now that they’re of advanced age.
Get one here for $5.28.
10. Or a mug that breaks down what kind of life they can expect from here on out.
Get one here for $8.99.
11. If they love sports, you can say, “Did you realize you’re now older than every player on the World Champion Boston Red Sox?”
Actually, you could say this about 25 out of the 30 major league teams. Heh.
14. Say, “Forty, huh? If this were the 1700s you’d already be dead.”
15. If the new 40-year-old is a man, give him a lifetime supply of “Viagra.”
The bottle was made out of a pickle jar and filled with blue-colored lima beans.
16. If it’s a woman, give her something that will help her battle menopause.
Order one here for $8.99.
17. Announce that you’re relieved they’ll never have a midlife crisis.
When they ask what you mean, you can say, “The average life expectancy in the U.S. is 78.7 years, so you’re already past midlife!”