1. “Whoa! Are you eating again?”
Your partner’s increased appetite in the second trimester is totally normal because (HELLO!) there’s a baby growing inside of her. You, on the other hand, have no excuse for the 30 chicken wings you polished off during the game, so you should keep your yapper shut.
2. “This beer is so refreshing! Man, it sure does hit the spot!”
Pregnant women aren’t supposed to drink (and may not be very happy about it), so it’s best not to make a big show of how much you’re enjoying your adult beverage, especially if you’ve decided against abstaining in solidarity.
3. “Geez, the house sure is messy.”
If you ever feel the impulse to say this, stop yourself and spend a few minutes straightening up instead. It will make your life (and your partner’s) a whole lot happier.
4. “The color of the nursery? Eh, I don’t care. Whatever you want.”
When your partner asks your opinion it’s less because you’re an expert on room colors, and more because she wants to see that you’re as invested in the pregnancy as she is. So, even if you couldn’t care less about paint colors, you should get your butt off the couch and “ooh” and “aah” over the indistinguishable shades of green she’s considering.
5. “You want to discuss baby names again?”
Picking out a name for your child is one of the first really important things you’re going to do as a parent, so you should act enthusiastic even if you’ve gone over the same names every night for weeks.
6. “Why do we have to keep shopping for baby clothes?”
Shopping for this stuff helps a woman feel prepared, so if she wants to go shopping for itty-bitty high-tops or a baby bow tie, just do it.
7. “Hurry up!”
Pregnant women tend to waddle (you would too if you had a human growing inside of you), so you’re probably not going to get a super warm reaction if you chide them for not being Speedy Gonzalez.
8. “Are you seriously crying over this?”
Your partner is experiencing all kinds of hormonal changes, so if she inexplicably finds herself crying because she’s out of pretzels, let it slide.
9. “Sorry, hon, the store didn’t have any banana cream pies so I got you a banana.”
Pregnancy cravings are intense, man. If you’re sent out of the house on a mission to satisfy one, you’d better not return until you’ve found what she wanted. Repeat: For your safety and the safety of others do not return empty-handed.
10. “I flipped through the baby books this morning so I’m good to go with this parenting thing.”
“Flipping through” an instruction manual for something you bought at Best Buy is fine, but this is an actual human being. Do yourself — and your partner — a favor and read the damn books. You’ll be glad you did when the baby arrives.
11. “The baby won’t be here for months. There’s no need to clean out the spare room just yet.”
Moms-to-be often experience the nesting instinct, and will feel a lot better if they feel things are in place. You’re going to have to get things ready eventually, so you might as well do it now, especially if it puts your partner at ease.
12. “This pregnancy is hard on me too.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You put up with a lot when your partner is pregnant, but in no way does it compare to ACTUALLY being pregnant.
13. “Wow! Beyoncé had a baby but you’d never know it. She looks ah-mazing!
Your partner is probably a little worried about how she’ll look post-baby, so she’s not going to want to hear you go on and on about some genetically blessed superstar with plenty of money to hire a personal chef and trainer.
14. “You don’t need me at the doctor’s appointment, right?”
No, your partner doesn’t NEED you there, but she’d love you there for support. She’d also love to share the moment when you first see your baby on the ultrasound.
15. “You need to calm down.”
If you’ve somehow gotten this far into a relationship without learning how bad of an idea it is to tell your partner to calm down, you will learn real quick if you’re dumb enough to say it when she’s pregnant.
16. “You sure are tired a lot lately.”
Yeah, genius. You think that might be because, oh, I don’t know, she’s pregnant?
17. “Every pregnant woman freaks out a bit, but it’s nothing to worry about. You’re fine.”
The reality is you don’t know if there’s nothing to worry about, so you shouldn’t say there isn’t. You’re better off taking her seriously, and if it turns out she was indeed just freaking out, that’s good news.
18. “Where’s my back rub?”
You might not be getting many back rubs, but you also don’t have to carry a baby around for nine months and then push it out of you.
19. “I bet I’d be good at being pregnant.”
Maybe you would, but no pregnant woman wants to hear you wax about how good you’d be at being pregnant, especially since it’s guaranteed to be a whole lot harder than you think.