1. Talk about how much money it costs to raise a kid.
“Did you see that study that says it now costs a quarter of a million dollars to raise a kid?”
2. Make a big deal about all of the diapers they’ve had to change.
3. Also, tell you in great detail about a time their kid peed or pooped on them.
4. Be a buzzkill whenever you talk about how excited you are to have kids.
You: “I can’t wait to have a little girl so I can buy her an American Girl doll!”
Them: “You wouldn’t say that if you knew what those dolls cost.”
5. Tell women holding tiny clutches that one day their purses will look like this:
6. Painfully recount the misery of childbirth.
You were uncomfortable even before they got to “episiotomy.”
7. Tell nightmarish stories about trips to Chuck E Cheese’s.
8. Overshare about how their sex life changed after kids.
“When we do have sex these days, we have to be super quiet and quick about it.”
9. Rant about how hard it is to stay in shape.
10. Complain about having to help their kids with homework.
“I thought I’d left Geometry behind when I graduated from high school,” they say with a laugh as your ovaries/testicles shrink.
11. Brag about their lack of a social life.
12. Look exhausted pretty much all of the time.
This is even true, or should I say is especially true, on Monday mornings.
13. Claim not to remember the last time they were able to read a book.
14. Constantly wipe their kids’ runny noses.
Sometimes even with their bare hand.
15. Be totally okay with the fact they’ve lost touch with current music.
16. Post photos of their kids throwing tantrums.
Usually with a cutesy caption like, “Somebody was having a bad day.”
17. Casually mention the unholy hour their kids woke them up on the weekends.
18. Attend children’s birthday parties just about every weekend.
19. Watch their kids play sports every weekend, too.
“What did you do this weekend?” you ask. “Well, there was Tommy’s 7th Birthday, a T-ball game, and, uh, that was it.”
20. Possess an encyclopedic knowledge of children’s shows.
21. Try to convince you that children’s characters like Barney are actually pretty great.
“I used to hate Barney before I had kids, but I’ve come around to him. He’s great for children, and pretty funny if you give him a chance!”
23. And lastly, give you all kinds of crap for saying you don’t know if you want kids.
Even after all of that.