1. Younger kids don’t understand sarcasm, so you spend most of your day holding back comments.
2. This is especially frustrating when you think of a really awesome comeback, but can’t say it.
3. When you do say something sarcastic — like that you love being your kid’s chauffeur — they think you mean it.
“I don’t get why can’t you take me. You said you love driving me around!”
4. Because of this, when you do get to interact with adults, you’re extra sarcastic.
5. Your partner bears the brunt of it, though, which leads to some epically sarcastic back and forth.
6. Holidays are hard for you because there are so many sarcasm worthy things (like Santa and The Easter Bunny) that you’re expected to take seriously.
7. Theme parks are tough for you, too.
You: “What exactly is happening here? The freaking Disney prom?”
Lady behind you: “SHHHH!!”
8. When your kid tells you about something boring, like a new toy they want, your response tends to sound sarcastic even when you don’t mean it to.
9. Hanging out with parents you don’t know is risky because you never know what they’ll take offense to.
Random Mom: “I just childproofed my home.”
You: “I did, too, but they keep getting in.”
10. You’ve made sarcastic quips about parenting that have undoubtedly scared people off having kids.
“I’m kidding! It’s not really like that! (under your breath) I mean, it is but you look like you’re about to cry, so…”
11. You’ve had that awkward moment when people tell you about an article that says sarcasm is bad for kids.
To which you reply, “Oh, good! I’ve been hoping they’d end up screwed up!”
12. Sometimes you wish you could watch Roseanne, but you can never find it on TV anymore.
But there are plenty of Home Improvement re-runs, which is awesome. (Eye roll)
13. You get upset when your kids roll their eyes — until you realize they learned it from you.
You: “Who taught you how to do that?”
Your kid: “You, alright? I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!”
14. You’ve made the mistake of sharing a meme that upsets a bunch of sanctimommies and daddies.
(Deletes Facebook, throws computer in the ocean)
15. You stop holding back the sarcasm so much as your kids get older, but they don’t always handle it very well.
“Come on! That’s funny! Almost as funny as you’d look with a real nose ring.”