2. Dude! It’s Christmas today! Have you done any of your shopping at all?
“Christmas is a weird word, man. Christ-mas. Mas-Christ. In Spanish that means, like, ‘more Christ.’ Think on that and your mind goes BOOM. Where are the Cheetos?”
3. Focus, man. And put that out! I know a place that’s totally got you covered!
Yes. This magical place.
4. For your younger brother who just joined a frat:
If you’re feeling generous you can spring for the $7.99 version!
6. …and a pack of condoms.
Not even Santa could make him as happy!
7. For your aunt, the wine connoisseur:
You can say with 100% honesty, “I walked right up to the counter and asked for their most expensive bottle. No expense was spared for you, Auntie!”
8. For your music-loving uncle (who used to be in a band, you know):
7-Eleven has a lot of nerve charging “$9.99 and up” for most of these, but not The Smashing Pumpkins’ Greatest Hits or this rap album “mixed by Grandmaster Flash!”
9. For your nephew, who’s going through an awkward phase:
You can’t make girls notice him, but you can help him drown his tears over his game console. Just steer clear of stinkers like that Jonas Brothers game.
10. For your smartphone-obsessed niece:
After opening these she will totally text you, “Thx so much! I <3 my prez! xo”
11. For your impossible-to-shop-for sister:
These even come with holiday-themed gift card holders. Nice touch, 7-Eleven.
12. For your sports fanatic brother-in-law:
These wall signs are perfect for his sad little excuse for a man cave.
13. For your dad, who happens to be an aeronautics junkie:
You may be a disappointment to him, but this present won’t be.
14. For your mom, who is now of “brooch wearing” age:
Among all of the cheesy butterflies and frogs is that blue topaz brooch in the top right. Snag it FTW!
15. For your grandmother and her seven cats.
Throw this assortment of kitty goodies into a gift bag and you’ll have one happy granny!
16. For your chain-smoking grandpa:
Look, Grandpa’s never going to stop smoking. He’s 94 years old. But he might stop blowing smoke in everyone’s faces if you give him these, especially if you say, “Look, Pappy, cigarettes of the future!”
17. For your hipster cousin:
Finding this among all of the B-movie crap was indeed a “treasure hunt”! Your cousin will be stoked, though, and love the tacky cover. Hipsters are weird that way.
18. For that random neighbor who always invites himself over:
Who knows? Maybe he’ll win and move away.
19. There’s no need to stop there, though. While you’re at it, why not grab some stocking stuffers?
21. You could even bring some firewood so everyone can warm themselves by the fire!
Just think — this year you won’t have to let everyone down again!
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