95 Thoughts Every Parent Has While Potty Training Their Kid

There will be pee.


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1. There! I did it. I took off his diaper.
2. Holy shit. We are officially potty training.
3. Things just got real up in here.
4. I need to catch my breath.
5. Why is this so nerve wracking?
6. Because he’s like a loaded gun that could go off at any moment, that’s why.
7. A gun loaded with pee.
8. Which, I suppose, would be called a piss-tol.
9. Heh.
10. Nice one, me.
11. Let’s see… We’ve now been at this, uh, eight… nine… ten seconds. Ten seconds and no pee!
12. You know what? I think this is going to work.

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13. Why does everyone say potty training is so hard?
14. Because, really, it’s not that hard.
15. You just have to commit to doing it, and…
16. Wait. Where’s he going?
17. Oh no. He’s headed toward the couch.
18. No, no, no, no. Don’t sit on the new couch. Please, please, please. Don’t -
19. He sat on the new couch.
20. I probably should’ve Googled how to clean pee off a new couch before we started this.
21. Look at that. We just passed a minute and still no pee!
22. I think this just might work.
23. Wait. Why is he wiggling like that?

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24. NOOOOOO!!!!!!
25. Make that “almost” new couch.
25. Now I really wish I’d Googled how to clean pee off a new couch.
26. Okay. Back to square one. New underwear.
27. Speaking of underwear, I wonder if I washed enough pairs?
28. The potty training article said to wash twenty pairs, which I thought was overkill, but now I’m not so sure since we’re already onto our second pair of underwear after just 90 seconds.
29. Why do they call it a “pair” of underwear anyway, when it’s just one underwear? That’s weird, right?
30. I wonder why that never occurred to me before.
31. And now I’m soaking up pee while he watches Jake and the Neverland Pirates like nothing happened.

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Disney Jr.

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32. My life is so glamorous.
33. Relax. It’s okay. They said accidents would happen.
34. You can do this.
35. Blerg. I don’t know if I can do this.
36. How long has it been now?
37. Oh, three whole minutes. Terrific.
38. The article said we’re supposed to do this non-stop for three days.
39. That is… a long time.

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Warner Bros. Television

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40. You know, there really isn’t any reason we absolutely have to try this today.
41. I mean, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I put a diaper back on him.
42. This could be a trial run. Yeah, totally, a trial run.
43. We tried it, got a trial run under our belt, but now we’re going to put on a diaper and hit up Trader Joe’s.
44. But that would mean continuing to pay for diapers. Those things are ridiculously expensive.
45. Plus, think of the planet with all of those dirty diapers clogging up landfills.
46. But really, the cost.
47. Also, if we don’t do this now, when? What if I never get him out of diapers? Like ever?
48. Relax. The pediatrician said no kid ever graduates from high school in diapers. It will happen eventually.
49. But what if it doesn’t?
50. What if he does graduate in diapers?
51. At least the gown would hide the diapers.
52. And if he’s graduating from high school that’ll mean I couldn’t have done too bad a job as parent.
53. Even if he does wear diapers.
54. Wait a minute. He said no kid graduates from high school in diapers. But what about kids who don’t graduate?
55. Are there all these drop outs living in their parents’ basement wearing diapers?

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56. No, no, no. We need to deal with this now.
57. Even if it is mind-numbingly boring.
58. And more than a little weird.
59. I’ve literally spent the last twenty minutes just staring at my kid’s crotch.
60. I wonder if I could snack on some of those M&Ms I bought as bribes.
61. This is a real racket for kids when you think about it.
62. All they have to do is go to the bathroom and they get M&Ms.
63. What if giving him M&Ms isn’t such a good idea?
64. What if it creates some complex where, as an adult, he can only pee if he gets an M&M afterward?
65. That would be awful. And then he’d go to a psychiatrist who’ll blame me for giving him M&Ms during potty training.
66. That’d probably be better than his still wearing diapers, though.
67. Wait, what did he just say?
68. OH MY GOD!
70. Come on, baby boy! Hold it ‘til we get there! Hold it ‘til we get there!
71. Whew! Made it! He’s on his Elmo potty!
72. And now he’s crying because he’s afraid to poo on the potty.
73. Make that screaming because he’s afraid to poo on the potty.
74. I should film this moment and send it to teenagers around the country. It’d solve the problem of teenage pregnancy.
75. This is ridiculous. No one should scream when they go #2 unless they’ve had Indian food.

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New Line Cinema

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76. Wait. What was that thing the lady at the store said she told her kids when they were afraid to poo?
77. Oh, yeah. That they needed to poo because when they flushed, it went to the ocean and fed all the fish.
78. Let’s try that.
79. Because why not?
80. And now my kid is asking why fish eat poop.
81. Thanks a lot, store lady.
82. We need to take another tact.
83. I know! I’ll play that potty training song I downloaded.
84. Ew.
85. Is this guy really singing, “Do you feel a caca in your bum-bum or a pee-pee in your wee-wee?”
86. What is this freaking weird song?
87. But he’s laughing!
88. It’s working!
89. The weird song is working!
90. And now his potty is playing music!
91. He did it!
92. He went poo in the potty!
93. M&Ms for everyone!
94. You get an M&M, and you get an M&M, and you get an M&M!
95. I am the world’s greatest parent!

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