1. Man, packing for a family is like packing to go off to war.
2. Now to get it all in the car. It's a good thing I was a champ at Tetris.
3. Wait. Do we really need a whole suitcase of stuffed animals?
4. And we're off!
5. The GPS says, "Six hours." Shh, GPS! The kids will flip if they hear that! Have some chill!
6. The first hour of this trip has actually been very pleasant.
7. Scratch that. Did they really say "Are we there yet?" ALREADY?
8. And now they're fighting.
9. I knew we should have got a DVD player in this car.
10. Oh good, the kids need to pee and we just passed this sign:
11. Peeing on the side of the road. They're totally going to throw this in my face one day.
12. Back on the road. And now they're thirsty. Oh, hell, no.
13. They fell asleep. Thank god.
14. Man, the toddler's head keeps flopping forward. That does not look comfy.
15. Sheesh. How long is this drive? We need some coffee, stat.
16. We're here!
17. I can't wait to see if the kids think sleeping in a rollaway is awesome or something to whine about.
18. And the toddler just opened a $9 candy bar. I guess that's karmic payback for all the minibar Sprite bottles I refilled with water as a kid.
19. Trying to do the kids' usual bedtime routine on the road is not easy.
20. Kids are asleep! Time to rent a movie! Wait, they're 18 bucks?
21. Well, that was 18 bucks not well spent. Plus, it's late. At least we can sleep in.
22. And the kids are up at 6 a.m. Guess I should have closed the blinds.
22. At least we can order room service. Room service on vacation = the best.
23. $4 for a tiny cup of milk? You're hilarious, room service.
24. We sure are paying a lot of money to share a bathroom.
25. Pool time! But first it's "Apply a lot of sunscreen to a lot of people" time.
27. Playing endless games of Marco Polo is way better than laying out. (sarcasm)
28 . Going into the jacuzzi would be nice except for the fact that I roll with a little person who yells, "No! Hot!" whenever we get within ten feet of it.
29. The kids made a friend! Yes! Time for me to chill!
30. And now the friend is leaving. Break's over, Marco.
31. And now the kids have to pee.
32. Remember when I bothered to pack a book to read? Lol, me.
33. Are they really asking for ice cream mid-stream?
34. One thing I want on this vacation is a nice family photo. Maybe by the pool? Nope. Too squinty. Oh well. We'll get it.
35. Off to visit the historical site!
36. And I've been informed "this place is boring."
37. Nope. That family photo is not going to happen here.
38. Funny, being boring hasn't stopped them from wanting a souvenir as we leave.
39. Let's see... It's 8 p.m and the kids are fast asleep. So, I guess we're stuck in the hotel room with them?
40. Look! The hotel hires out babysitters. I wonder what the probability is that they're all ex-cons?
41. Eh, best not risk. Guess we should just watch another $18 movie.
42. And the kids are up again at 6 a.m. How did I forget to close the freaking blinds?!
43. This room sure is a mess with these kids.
44. And now the cleaners are here. Awk-ward.
45. Note to self: Leave a good tip for the cleaners.
46. Wow. The lines at this theme park are long. At least it's excruciatingly hot.
47. Could be worse. I could be the guy inside that bear suit.
48. And now the toddler is asking why the bear has a zipper in the back. Better distract with ice cream.
49. Awesome. The vacation's not even over and all of the kid's clothes are covered with ice cream.
50. Wow, these lines just get longer as the day goes on. And now my phone is dead.
51. How did our parents take us to these places without phones?
52. Should I try for that family photo? No, there is way too much sweating going on.
53. $40 dollars per meal at the theme park restaurant? Oh, hell, no. I saw a McDonald's just off the interstate.
54. Kids are stoked for McDonalds. Maybe time for that family photo?
55. Actually, no. There's no way I'm posting it to Instagram all #Vacation #McDonalds
56. And now we're back in our cell, I mean the room.
57. And the kids are asleep. So I guess it's time to order another expensive movie?
58. Can't sleep. The room is full of snoring in stereo.
59. Crap. The drapes. Again. FML.
60. Check out is at 11? Oh crap!
61. Time to search this room from top to bottom for the tenth time. I do not want to experience the hell that is forgetting a stuffed animal.
62. Yay! We're on the road and didn't forget a stuffed animal! Wait. I totally forgot my book.
63. Note to self, I shouldn't ask, "What was your favorite part of the trip?" if I don't want to hear, "Eating McDonalds in another state."
64 How is it over already? It always goes so fast!
65. I wonder where we'll go next year?
