1.
I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
2.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work? Me: They pay me a salary. 4-year-old: Me: 4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
3.
Potty training is going so great! I'm a natural! @prattprattpratt
4.
Kids are just so... so... Awake in the mornings
5.
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
6.
*looks up from phone* "Kids!! we're leaving the playground in 22 percent."
7.
From The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets. Buy it here! > http://t.co/2YKMP8LgaC
8.
My kid complained there's "too much chocolate" in his ice cream so I'm making him read "The Road."
9.
Overheard my husband telling my daughter, "You have to find just the right man." Walked in the room & realized they were building Lego cars.
10.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal. It's science.
11.
#babeinamug #babymugging
12.
Watching "Frozen" again with my daughter because we paid $19.99 to download it so she's going to fucking watch it every day until college.
13.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
14.
I didn't see Fast & Furious over the weekend, but I drove a toddler home on the brink of sleep an hour past naptime, so I got the gist of it
15.
What a great Father's Day gift idea! Buy it here http://t.co/qMbtAEFRrk
16.
My parents had it so easy. When they gave me my first Polaroid, they never had to say "Oh and please don't take pictures of your junk."
17.
Him: Mommy, what IS a postcard? Me: A prehistoric text message. Him: Did they send them on beepers? *blink* Me: No. Just... no.
18.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
19.
Thanks for this awesome brought to life tweet! Check out and follow @Tweetercomics now!
20.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
21.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
22.
Apparently a 2 year old getting her hair washed and an exorcism sound oddly similar.
23.
One of my tweets brought to life in The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets! Pretty much how I look & feel!
24.
It's a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
25.
I'm at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without the lid.
26.
"Now that you are here I can finally lose my shit." - kids when their moms show up to pick them up from anywhere.
27.
My Daughter and my modeling submissions for JCPenney. Sure hope we get picked.
28.
Another surprise benefit of having a baby is using my new swaddling skills to roll a tight, tight burrito.
29.
People that use the phrase "sleep like a baby" clearly do not have any babies.
30.
The new mom at my work is so cute, she's still enthusiastic and doesn't have a drinking problem yet.
31.
You have one. more. chance. No lies. I can tell when you're lying. WHERE ARE MY KEYS
32.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
33.
I'm a Stay-At-Target-Mom.
34.
My son answers questions about his day like he's testifying in the Iran-Contra hearings.
35.
I let my 3-year-old make her own dinner. She put candy corn on top cold pizza The apprentice has become the master.
36.
"Momma there's something wrong with this iPad." -2yo playing with etch-a-sketch.
37.
Tuesday: Day 1 of school, preschool, and back to work. Wednesday: Home with two sick kids. Classic.