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"Do you need help in the bathroom?"
"I don't know where she learned that," you say, only making things more awkward.
"Imma let you finish... Actually, I'm not. You need to stop."
Especially when they follow it up by saying, "I just can't stop farting!"
From now on half the money goes into the "college fund," and half goes into the "therapy fund."
"But you say it," your kid replies when you scold them.
You: "We need to wrap this up, kiddo."
Your kid: "But I'm still going poo-poo!"
"Guess what, Mrs. Daniels. Daddy's been sleeping on the couch lately!"
"Good question. We'll have to look that up later."
"Just one smile. Please. We waited 45 minutes!"
All you can do is apologize, smile awkwardly, and want to die.
This usually happens after you've talked about how great your kid is for extra awkwardness.
"I'm sorry to interrupt your game of Candy Crush, but, uh, your son..."
Crickets: Chirp, chirp, chirp...