20 Survival Tips To Get You Through Costco Alive

Taking your family to Costco isn’t as difficult as surviving a zombie apocalypse, but it’s close.

1. Get there early.

Parking spaces go faster than a cheesecake sample.

2. Never let your kid bring a toy inside with them.

Because if she loses it in there you are NEVER. EVER. GOING. TO. FIND. IT.

3. Don’t forget your membership card.

Not just anyone can join this club, you know. Well, that’s not true. Anyone can. But they still won’t let you in without it.

4. Skip the flat bed.

You’ll want to strap your kids into the shopping cart so they can’t run around.

5. Don’t even think about going in there without a shopping list.

I once knew a family who went to Costco just to browse. I miss them.

6. Keep your head down and walk straight to the first item on your list.

You do not want the kids to see the toy section. And your wallet doesn’t need you to see all the cool stuff in the electronics section, either.

7. Seriously, don’t let yourself be tempted by big-ticket items.

8. Visit these lovely people every chance you get.

“Why, yes, I would like to try a chicken, apple, and herb breakfast sausage.”

9. Just be sure to get out of the way once you’ve got your sample.

10. Samples are awesome for kids too.

If your kids are picky eaters, you’ll love that they can try it before you buy it.

11. It’s smart to focus on nonperishable items.

When you buy in bulk, you’ll want to be able to take your time eating this stuff.

12. But think twice on perishables.

I once got a deal on four pounds of shrimp. For the next week I woke up every night in a cold sweat worrying that it’d go bad before I finished it all.

13. You’ll want to think about your freezer space too.

If your freezer isn’t big enough to stash a body, you probably should pass on that economy-sized box of waffles.

14. It’s easy to get distracted by the Costco-ness of it all. Stay focused.

Yes, those are 14-foot Christmas trees for sale in August. No, you don’t need one. What’s next on the shopping list?

15. Speaking of distractions… Don’t waste time searching for the ark of the covenant.

It looks like the same place, I know, but it’s not. Seriously. Stay focused.

16. If you get lost, don’t panic.

17. Also, don’t look up.

Or you’ll be in for a serious case of vertigo.

18. Just keep heading in one direction until you see something you recognize.

“There in the distance… Past the industrial sized jar of oatmeal… That’s the book section! I know where we are! I KNOW WHERE WE ARE!”

19. Once you have everything on your list, there’s one last challenge: checkout.

If your kids complain, remind them they have no problem waiting 45 minutes in line at Disneyland.

20. Congratulations! You survived!

Reward the family with a slice of Costco’s awesome pizza. And a hot dog. And a churro. Anyone know if they sell this stuff in bulk too?

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