1. Use a leash on my kids.
Nope! You’ll never use one of these even if your kid is a “runner,” has special needs, or is deathly afraid of crowds. Not you!
2. Complain about being tired.
Gah! All the complaining from parents about being tired! You won’t do that. After six months of sleeping no more than a couple hours at a time, we won’t hear a peep out of you because you know how annoying it is!
3. Pack on a few extra “parent pounds.”
Unlike most lazy parents, you’re going to rise early (after getting up every two hours through the night) and hit the gym. Good for you. Can’t wait to see it!
4. Be late.
When you have kids you’ll know that no one cares if you have to get yourself and your kids ready, spend half an hour looking for a lost shoe, and load everyone into the car. All they care about is whether you’re on time. And you will be, gosh darn it!
5. Bring my kids with me to social events.
How hard could it be to schedule and pay for a babysitter every single time you go out? Am I right?
6. Let my kids watch TV.
Unlike lazy parents who plop their kids in front of the TV, you’re going to keep your kids occupied by playing educational games, visiting museums, and teaching them to speak Cantonese. So impressive! Way to go, future you!
7. Allow my kids to use an iPad or iPhone.
Won’t it be great when your kids see all of their friends with iPads and say, “I’m so glad we don’t have one of those, Dad. It would only rot our brains.”
8. Fly with a baby or toddler.
There is nothing worse than a crying baby on a plane, so you’re not going to fly with your kid until he’s at least 4 or 5. Here’s hoping your 91-year-old pappy in Minnesota doesn’t die in the meantime!
9. Post photos of my kids on Facebook.
Some might call B.S. on this one based on how many photos you post of your lunches, but not me! I have faith in you!
10. Stop going out as much.
Parents who bail on their friends because of their kids are so annoying. You’ll never do that. You’ll just chug a Red Bull and hire a babysitter! Another babysitter.
11. Let my home get a little messy.
You like your home spotless, so after a long day of running after the kids, you’re going to spend the couple hours before bed cleaning. What discipline!
12. Not know what’s happening in pop culture.
Parents are so embarrassing when they can’t namecheck the new model Leonardo Dicaprio is dating! You, on the other hand, will spend a couple hours researching this stuff after you spend a couple hours cleaning. That’ll put your bedtime at about 3 a.m., but it’ll be worth it. Just remember…no complaining about being tired!
13. Use “mean” discipline.
Parents are so mean to their kids, but you won’t be! You’re going to appeal to your kid’s sense of logic. For example, if your kid throws a fit because he wants a sugary cereal, you’ll explain that the cereal is unhealthy, and that it’s in their best interest to eat bran flakes instead!
14. Let my kids flip out in public.
This will never happen to you, because the second your kid starts getting wound up you’ll drop a whole bunch of logic on them!
15. Let my kids eat unhealthy food.
Your kid is going to love to eat vegetables, and not vegetables with cheese either, but raw ones! You’re also going to include each food group at every meal, and only serve organic and free-range foods. Can’t wait to see how that works out for you!
16. Eat out with my kids.
As opposed to all of the rude parents who force people to be in the presence of their kids at restaurants, you’re going to hire a babysitter whenever you want to eat out. That’s right. Another one. How much exactly do you plan to budget for babysitters?
17. Let being a parent affect my job.
So what if you’re tired every day and can’t work as late as you used to. You’re going to be the same animal you’ve always been!
18. Be so concerned with schedule.
Don’t you hate it when a parent has to leave early to get their kid to bed on schedule? Well, you won’t ever do that. You’ll hang out another hour and just suck it up the next day when your kid is a cranky, tantrum-throwing little a-hole!