1. Buying too many newborn diapers.
Babies grow so much faster than you realize that it’s all too easy to have stacks of unused newborn diapers even after your baby has entered the next stage.
2. Using the too-small diapers on your baby anyway.
They’ll only be able to hold back the tide for so long.
3. Clipping the tip of your baby’s finger when trying to cut their nails.
This will lead to you having an epic “I’m the worst parent ever” meltdown and promising your baby a pony.
4. Letting your baby play with your phone without putting it on guided access.
It’ll take less than five minutes for your baby to delete all of your apps, take 137 photos of the floor, and text “Scdbkbvewvltk.bvw;” to your boss.
5. Letting your toddler push the shopping cart.
It’s adorable until your kid knocks over the pyramid of vodka bottles.
6. Buying a designer diaper bag.
It may look great, but when you try to fit diapers, wipes, toys, snacks, and a whole lot more into it, you realize you should have gone with a bag with more space inside.
7. Getting pregnant because you didn’t realize that breastfeeding isn’t a foolproof form of birth control.
Oh, yay. Irish twins.
8. Poking your sleeping baby to make sure they’re breathing.
Now your baby is wide awake and showing you they can breathe just fine by screaming their head off.
9. Laying your baby down on the bed for just a minute.
This leads to you making a crazy, running dive to stop them from rolling off the edge.
10. Forgetting to pack your baby a change of clothes.
This always happens on the day your kid covers their onesie in ice cream and has a blowout diaper.
11. Holding your baby in the air after a feeding.
You make this mistake only once.
12. Putting a recently potty-trained kid into the car without first making them go to the bathroom.
This leads to you playing a fun game where you either a) find a bathroom in 30 seconds, or b) see your kid do an impression of the boy in Billy Madison.
13. Forgetting to put a wipe on your baby’s penis during a diaper change.
It’ll go right in your eye. It always goes right in your eye.
14. Leaving a drink within arm’s reach of your baby.
It’ll be on the floor in seconds.
15. Not letting other people help you.
You’re paranoid with your first baby, but eventually you realize that most of the people who want to help you have a lot more parenting experience than you do.
16. Staying up late for no good reason after your baby has gone down for the night.
The next day you’ll realize just how bad an idea this is.
17. Buying way too many baby clothes.
Yes, they’re tiny. Yes, they’re adorable. But your baby will have to make more costume changes than Britney Spears to use them all.
18. Accidentally hitting your baby’s head on a door frame when carrying them into their bedroom.
The goose egg they sport for the next week will be your shame, and yours alone.
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