17 Questionable Parenting Moves That Actually Work

Undoing childhood trauma is what therapy is for, right?

1. “I wanted my daughter to stop picking at a scab on her face so I googled a picture of Freddy Krueger.”

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2. “My 18-month-old has become a picky eater, so I’ve resorted to leaving our dog’s food out intentionally since she’ll eat that.”

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3. “When my 5-year-old yells out, ‘I can’t sleep because I’m scared of monsters,’ I answer, ‘There’s no such thing as monsters. Now go to sleep before the monsters eat you.’”

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4. “I smoke weed every day. Parents need to relax, and cannabis is the safest and most therapeutic way to do it.”

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5. “When my kid whines too long after hurting himself I tell him we’ll have to amputate if it hurts that bad. It always stops hurting right away!”

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6. “My boy refused to get out of the bath until I told him about the drain monster. After that all I needed to do was pull the plug and he was out like a shot.”

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7. “When my child climbs somewhere she shouldn’t, I tell her that if she falls and cracks her skull open zombies will come and eat her brains.”

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8. “When my 13-year-old daughter got her first boyfriend, I told her to google images of herpes.”

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9. “I bite my toddler back when she bites me. It works. She’s learned not to bite. I don’t think you’re supposed to do that though.”

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10. “When my son is doing something dangerous, I tell him I will laugh when he falls. He immediately gets down and says it’s not OK to laugh at him. I win.”

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11. “On my son’s 5th birthday I told him that now that he was 5, a blue dot would appear on his forehead that only adults could see if he told a lie. For years afterward he’d cover up his forehead whenever he fibbed.”

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12. “I got tired of my 4-year-old sleeping on the couch, so I put a police siren on my phone and rang it at night. I told him they were coming to get him for not sleeping in his bed. He’s slept in his room ever since.”

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13. “When my kids were in meltdown mode I would scream and ‘cry’ louder. Sure, they looked at me like I was insane, but it shut them up!”

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14. “My knee-jerk reaction is to take something away. So when my 3-year-old kicked me, I said, ‘Stop kicking me or I’ll take your legs away.’ I convinced him they pop off like Legos.”

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15. “When my son hurts himself doing something I told him not to do, I say, ‘God’s punishing you for not listening to me.’”

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16. “When my kid boasts, ‘I farted!’ I whip out my phone and say, ‘Thanks for letting me know. I’m going to tweet that for the world to know too.’ Kid: ‘No! I won’t do it again!’”

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17. “My son constantly scratches his privates in public, so I told him that if he keeps doing it his penis will fall off, his nuts will turn into boobs, and he’ll morph into a girl.”

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Inspired by this Reddit thread.

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