1. If you’re not a rock star, Ryan Gosling, or unbelievably design-savvy, admit that you might need some help.
2. You should definitely own furniture besides your mattress.
If you’re not a crackhead, then why is your mattress on the floor*? And how come you have no other furniture?
*When is it OK? Sometimes I Like It On The Floor.
3. Figure out a non-porny lighting scheme.
Are you filming us…?! No? Oh, good. Sorry, it was just hard to be sure with this lighting. More on proper lighting.
4. Sorry, but unless you’re under hospice care, a bedside La-Z-Boy isn’t acceptable.
There is a time and a place for ugly recliners (the place is your grandfather’s house and the time is the 1970s). Here are some more attractive lounge alternatives.
5. What’s dirty and wet and waiting for you in the bathroom? It’s probably your bath mat, and it’s gross.
A simple cotton one that you can wash often, along with your towels, is best.
6. Buy grown-up dishes and utensils.
That was really sweet of your friends to donate these dishes to you after the fire. There wasn’t a fire? Oh, I just assumed… Since you only have one plate, three forks, half a dozen plastic cups, a measuring cup that you use as a bowl, and a single steak knife.
Here’s a bit more about dishes.
7. FACT: If you cook someone dinner, they will DEFINITELY sleep with you.
Or no, wait, it’s “cook someone breakfast, because they just slept with you”… Either way, learn how to cook, because it’s also pretty great to be able to feed yourself.
8. Having a stocked bar is great. Displaying your empty bottles makes you look like an alcoholic frat boy.
Impress your date by learning how to make a few signature drinks. Not sure where to start? Try something like The Bartender’s Bible: 1001 Mixed Drinks and Everything You Need to Know to Set Up Your Bar.
9. Posters are not wall art.
It’s great to represent the things you like with art in your home. Posters are usually the cheapest, but they really need to be hung/framed properly. Here are some simple ways to hang posters that will look less like you live a college dorm. (If you think I’m saying that it’s OK to hang any Playboy-style posters, as long as they’re framed, then you are sadly mistaken. Those are a big fat NO, no matter what. Grow up, and use the internet like everybody else).
Try something like Society6 for a huge selection of framed prints by cool artists!
10. Remember: The team WILL NOT be mad at you for not thinking about them while pooping/showering.
We get it, you REALLY LIKE THEM, but they don’t need to be represented in every room of your house. Be supportive, pick a few things, but don’t buy every piece of merch they sell. Perhaps a beer mug or beach towel…but please avoid the home decor items.
Also, keep it clean. A gross shower will NOT get you a shower buddy. Nobody wants your moldy dollar-store shower curtain sticking to their legs. They’re, like, $8, just replace that plastic liner every six months or so.
11. Sheets: The thin layer of fabric between getting laid and “ummm sorry I forgot I have to get up early.”
Your bedding says a lot about you, and the cleanliness and softness of your sheets is one of the most important things to consider. If you expect someone to get naked in them, you’re going to have to put in some effort. Always avoid any childish patterns or scratchy materials. Your best bet is a simple, soft, solid color (that you wash often). You should aim to create a comfortable bed that nobody’ll want to get out of. If you give a sheet, here’s even more info.