John Boehner's Tears Smell of Cantaloupe

Those of us who live in the phony-baloney, ocean-adjacent America know little of John Boehner. Of course, we’ve heard the tales of his 27-hour workdays whittling American Jobs out of plain fir wood in his Ohio-based Opportunity Laboratory. We’ve heard of his quest to bio-engineer a giant human ear that is to be staked to his chest cavity so he may finally Listen to America in the way that we never could. And perhaps, it is because of our inferior listening skills that we’ve never before heard his suffering.