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“How To Tour In A Band Or Whatever” By Thor Harris
Thor Harris, the vocalist for Indie Rock band Shearwater must have been having a rough day on the job when he wrote this definitive list on the rules of the road. Sounds like being a rocker is harder than it looks; Just ask Peggy!
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1.
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2. Dont Complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer.
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3. If something is wrong fix it or shut the fuck up you fucking dick. Goddamn.
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4. If you fart, claim it.
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5. Dont Lose shit. Everybody loses shit. Dont fucking do it. Asshole.
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6. Dont fuck anyone in the band. There are tons of people to fuck who are not in this band. Dumbass.
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7. If you feel like shit all the time, drink less beer at the gig. You will play better & feel better. What are you a child? Some have the endurance for self abuse. Most dont.
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8. Remember the soundmans name. He will do a better job.
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9. Eat oranges. Cures constipation & prevents colds.
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10. Masturbate. Duh... Where & when? Be creative. You're an artist, right?
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11. If YOU can't carry your suitcase 3 blocks, its too goddamn big.
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12. Respect public space in the van. Dont clutter, you Fuck.
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13. If you borrow something, return it. Not Fucked Up.
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14. Do not let the promoter dick you or talk you out of the guarantee. If there were not enough people there, its their fault.
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15. Driver picks the music.
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16. One navigator only (usually sitting shotgun). Everyone else shut the fuck up.
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17. Soundcheck is for checking sounds. Shut the fuck up while everyone else is checking.
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18. Dont wander off. Let someone know where you are.
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19. Clean up after yourself. What are you& a goddamn toddler?
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20. Touring makes everyone bi-polar. Ride the waves as best you can and remember, moods pass. So dont make any snap decisions or declarations when you are drunk or insane.
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21. Fast food is Poison.
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22. The guestlist is for friends, family & people you might want to fuck. Everyone else can pay. They have day jobs.
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23. Dont evaluate your whole life while you're sitting in a janitor closet waiting to go on. You think youre above having shitty days at work? Shut up & do your goddamn job.