8 Tips To Extend Your Smartphone's Battery Life

A big problem these days in smartphones is the battery dying too quickly. Here are some handy tips to keep your battery alive and kickin'!

1. Stop Touching Your Smartphone

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Recent Yale studies show that most battery life is lost due to consistent smartphone touching. If you need battery life for later, stop touching your smartphone now. It's that simple. This will conserve the battery for future use.

One way to stop touching your smartphone is to not touch it. Touching your smartphone might turn it on which may lead to battery consumption. If you're one of those people that like to touch their smartphones a bunch, put it far away from you like on table that is across the room. If you've put space between yourself and the smartphone, there's a very good chance you aren't touching it.

Do you have tupperware? Put it under the tupperware! It's like a smartphone forcefield! It actually doesn't matter what kind of tupperware you use but I am a fan of Rubbermaid. They make quality products.

You could also buy a safe and put it in that safe. Don't forget the combination, ya goof! (I understand to put it in the safe you have to touch your smartphone but you've gotta spend money to make money.)

There are so many ways to not touch your smartphone! Get creative! But not too creative or you might touch it!

2. Buy A Better Smartphone

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I'm going to let you in on a little industry secret. Your smartphone's battery? You think it's pretty good, right? It lets your smartphone work and then you can use your smartphone to watch your favorite dressage videos on YouTube. Well get this. It may not be the best battery out there.

Calm down! Don't get mad and touch your smartphone! (See above why)

I was shocked too. When I found out my smartphone's battery wasn't the best I felt kind of swindled. Unfortunately, we don't live in a utilitarian society where we all have the best batteries in our smartphones. Maybe one day we'll be so lucky but right now we live in this demoCRAZY.

So where are these better batteries you might ask? Look no further than better smartphones! All you have to do is go to a Best Buy/Best Buy Express/Best Buy Unlimited/a closing RadioShack/Best Buy Outlet, buy a better smartphone and then you'll have a better battery with better battery life! It's as easy as 1, 2, use your credit card or cash to buy a better smartphone!

Once you have a better smartphone, you'll immediately notice a significant difference in battery life. The difference will also be better!

I sure wish I had a list like this when I was buying MY smartphone!

3. Constantly Be Using Someone Else's Smartphone

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Using someone else's smartphone all the time is a very good way to conserve the battery life in your own smartphone.

In order to obtain someone else's smartphone, you could ask politely to use it and then never give it back. This works really well if you ask your friend who you've never given a reason not to trust you. If they ask for it back, tell them "Oh man, sorry dude, I left it at Ryan's house." Everyone leaves everything at Ryan's house so this is very plausible.

If for some reason they see that you're currently physically holding their smartphone, you can try to convince them that you don't have it by saying "What?" or "No I don't". This doesn't always work because some people aren't easily fooled.

The longer you have possession of their smartphone, the longer the battery life in your own smartphone can be!

4. Tell Your Parents, In Person, That They Did A Horrible Job Raising You

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You know those long drawn out conversations you have with your parents where you drunkenly yell at them for hours about how they completely ruined your life by never showing up to anything you performed in as a child? Don't do it over the smartphone! Do it in person!

Berating your parents and reminding them that you were the lead in "Arsenic And Old Lace" in 7th grade but they never showed up to it because they were working their "dick stupid jobs" will kill the battery relatively quickly! It's a real drainer.

Now think about this. If you yell at your parents in person at their house in the suburbs, your smartphone doesn't even need to come into it. It can stay safely in your apartment under the tupperware where you normally keep your leftover salads while you shriek obscenities at their bedroom window.

An hour of "YOU NEVER LOVED ME"s on a smartphone will drain about 10% battery life. An hour of "OPEN THE DOOR YOU INGRATES BROADWAY IS MY HOME NOW"s in person uses 0% battery life. You do the math.

5. Cut The Length Of Any Smartphone Calls You Expect To Have By Half

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Smartphone calls are what I like to refer to as "Battery Expensive™". Your battery life can remain long and plenty but you have to do a little planning.

Expecting to talk to the mother of your child for 20 minutes because there's a lot of ground to cover after the divorce? Cut the conversation down to 10 minutes. What could you possibly be saying for 20 minutes that you can't consolidate?

Normally have an hour smartphone session with your psychiatrist? Slice it down to a cool 30 minutes for some real battery savings. Your problems aren't that bad that you need the full hour anyway. You have a smartphone. What real problems could you possibly even have? Calm down.

Private smartphone time with your significant other? What could you possibly be describing to them for 45 minutes? You can do it in 22.5 minutes and still keep it sexy if you both write out a script and follow it to the T. Then you'll both get off and still have more battery life than you'll know what to do with.

And what's sexier than extended battery? *wink*

6. Stop Watching Dressage Videos On Your Smartphone, You Loon

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Dressage is a ridiculous "sport". If you're looking up dressage videos on your smartphone: cut it out. You have one of the most powerful devices in the known universe and you're using the video capability feature to watch a horse samba? The hell is wrong with you?

Not only does it quickly drain the battery but if anyone caught you watching a dressage video, what would they think about you? I can guarantee you'd lose good friends over it.

I knew this guy, Ryan (not the same Ryan that has the house everyone leaves stuff at. Completely different Ryan). Totally normal guy. Real chill dude who was actually really fun to hang out with. I met him on an airplane and we hit it off pretty quick because were interested in a lot of the same things. He started hanging out with my friends who also really liked him and he sort of became one of the gang. He had his faults but everyone's human. Can't be perfect. But one day when we were all bowling he's like "Guys. You gotta check this out on my smartphone!" and he shows us video of dressage. He was WAY too into it. He started yelling out dressage terms and pretending to be a jockey. We were all too drunk to say anything to him but there was this quiet understanding that we weren't going to hang out with Ryan anymore. From that day forward we collectively stopped picking up his calls except one time where Bridgette slipped up and answered it while doing the "Oh my god what if I actually answered it?" thing. (Which wouldn't have happened if she had left it under tupperware). He hasn't called since that incident and we're all happier because of it.

Sidenote: while showing us the dressage video, which was only 20 seconds, I noticed a 7% drop in battery life. Dressage videos is like watching an evil spell happen.

7. Watch Dressage Videos On Your Smartphone

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In retrospect, go ahead and watch those dressage videos. After rereading what I wrote, I put myself in Ryan's place ("Dressage" Ryan not "House Of Forgotten Goods" Ryan). He stopped having people to call and people stopped calling him. He probably ended up using his smartphone way less than ever before which probably almost 10-fold extended his battery life! Maybe he was way smarter than we gave him credit for. I kind of miss him. Not enough to touch my smartphone though.

8. Turn Down The Backlight

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It doesn't need to be that bright all the time.

It really doesn't.