This cute little pupperoo is named “Scallywag”!
He loves tummy rubs, treats and he’s also a member of the Objectivist Party! It shouldn’t surprise you. Of course his number one goal would be to pursue rational self-interest…he’s a puppy! A cute fuzzy Rand lover! Who is John Galt? Scallywag is!
Don’t let that face fool you though. He can be a naughty scamp! He’ll chew up your slippers if you’re not looking but he’d never hurt another living being because he’s a Jainist! Who’s a good boy who believes in non-violence and is trying to progress his soul on the spiritual ladder to reach divine consciousness? Scallywag! (But keep him away from your real ladder because he’ll pee on it!)
“Cheers McEars” at your service!
Do you like to cuddle? Cheers certainly does. He’ll snuggle up on your tummy, look into your eyes and you’ll immediately fall in love with this adorable ball of fur who just happens to be a Neofascist! It’s hard to stay mad at this fuzzball when he’s goose stepping all cute like. I mean he can barely lift those teensy legs as it is! Aww! Mein führer? More like Mein FÜR-rer!
Cheers is a little bit of a fraidy cat. Mailman at the door? You can find this Korean Shamanist hiding under the couch offering a sacrifice of Milk-Bones to the gods in his own version of the ritual called the gut. He’s trying to promote welfare in the household. That should keep the mean old mailman away! Letters are scary!
Who wouldn’t want to give head pats to this squish pot? Let me introduce you to “Tubey”. Why is he named that? Cause he’s just a big tube of hair with legs and a face! Aww!
“So cute!” is something you’ll hear when he’s walking down the street. You might also hear “Why would you want a king ruling this country, Tubey? Is Obama not good enough for you?” That’s because Tubey believes in Monarchism and he’s not shy about it! A frolic in the park would suit Tubey just fine; as would a Tsar!
If you’re a squirrel, you’d better get out of dodge because Tubey is coming after you! He loves to chase squirrels around the backyard all day. If he nabs one, prepare yourself to see the cutest ever animal sacrifice! Tubey is devoted to the Afro-Brazilian religion of Quimbanda which uses animal sacrifice to enlist the help of a spirit to carry out a deed. What deed does Tubey need help with you ask? Naps!
This tiny teacup fuzzy is named “Snapple”. Why Snapple? Because here’s a fact: She’s cute!
Snapple is a only a few weeks old but she’s already an old soul. She loves to bask in the sun all day while wondering why land isn’t a common asset to all individuals. That’s right—Snapple is a Geolibertarian! Be warned…she may use this political view to justify burying a squeaky toy in your garden!
She’s a little bit of a lush. A couple helpings of snuggles and she’ll pass right out. Running in her sleep? What are you dreaming of, Snapple? Oh, you’re running toward enlightenment because a Universal Sufist clergyman called a Cherag is helping you to get there? Go dog, go!
“Mr. Bob, Attorney At Paw” is here to serve you…kisses!
This dog got his law degree from Columbi-arf. Just kidding. This dog doesn’t speak legalese but if you say “speak” he will obediently bark for a treat! What a smart canine. Ironically enough, Mr. Bob’s full name may come as a shock to you when you find out he subscribes to the anarchist philosophy of Illegalism! He openly embraces crime as a lifestyle (by which I mean when you’re not looking he’s gonna steal a smooch!)
They don’t get much more loyal than Mr. Bob. He’ll be by your side every moment if you’d let him. He just wants to be your best bud 4 lyfe. Unless you’re not a Wotanist. You mean you don’t believe in Nordic racial paganism? You’ve never read the essay Wotan by Carl Jung which is an acronym for Will Of The Aryan Nation? Uh oh. Mr. Bob can’t love you unconditionally now.
LOL JK Of course he can! He’s the best doggie!
I’ll give you three guesses why they call this mini waddle-fest “Licks”.
Licks will try and eat anything she can get her little snout near. She’s a hungry little pooch! Growing fluffs certainly need their nourishment. This growing fluff also needs a classless social system because Licks is part of the Workers World Party which is an orthodox Marxist-Leninist communist party. Full social equality? Woof! (That means “Yes, Please!” in Barkish).
Her favorite food? Cheese! Her favorite toy? Your slippers! Her only religion? The Japanese syncretic religion of Konkokyo. The universe, aka the Parent God, is her deity and it seems like the The Parent God always wants Licks to hide your keys! Dangit, I’m late for work!
Who is this chunky dopey faced lil bugger? It’s “Loaf”!
Loaf loves to loaf around the house but will jump at the chance to go on a drive. He loves to stick his head out the window and feel the wind on his…hold on a second…was that car inherited? Sorry, bub. Loaf only gets into cars that were bought by a working man. He’s a Producerist. If you want Loaf’s love, you’ve got to work for it. No old money fat cat aristocrat is gonna get a Loaf cuddle!
Don’t turn your back or you may find Loaf drinking out of a toilet. Oh, Loaf! Your water bowl is in the kitchen! What’s that Loaf? You’re actually saving that bowl of apo for a Zoroastrian purification ceremony? Good thinking! Your one supreme god Ahura Mazda will be proud of you!
Oh no! Don’t kiss me, Loaf. Your mouth was where I poop!