This Explains Why Aussie '90s Kids Are Terrible, Terrible People

Why did our parents let us watch these shows?!

Australia is widely known for having zero chill whatsoever, but allow us to explain. It is not our fault. Any kid that grew up in Australia in the '90s can blame EVERYTHING on the completely fucked up TV we watched.

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Even the most innocent of shows, like The Adventures of Blinky Bill had something to hide.

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He's so cute right!??! Blinky Bill was an adventurous little koala who was basically teaching kids about the dire results of deforestation.

And what about his friends: Nutsy, Flap... and Splodge.

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THEM SOME GRAPHIC NONSENSE NAMES FOR ADORABLE CARTOON CHARACTERS. WHY NOT JUST NAME A RAT "SHITLIPS" AND GET IT OVER WITH?

How about PLASMO, a being "hatched on a planet devoid of educational institutions," who travelled around space trying to find his parents. He asks questions like this:

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Did we mention old mate Coredor had a vagina for a face? Because he did. His whole face was a vagina.

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"Hey kids, gather round ol' vag face, he's got a story for you!"

Our parents looked at this massive claymation vagina and were like, "yeah, cool!"

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Back on Earth, The Book Place was a show that encouraged kids to read, by introducing them to this dick worm. I mean this book penis. BOOK WORM. Damn it.

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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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For something darker: there was Elly & Jools. Elly, a ghost, was helped by Jools to try and solve HER. OWN. MURDER.

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OK here's the twist, the last episode revealed Elly WASN'T actually murdered, and she hadn't passed on because she wanted to clear the name of the man accused of killing her. Elly wasn't murdered, she was just THE VICTIM OF A TRAGIC ACCIDENT. WHAT A HAPPY ENDING, I GUESS?

Pick Your Face was a gameshow for kids where they had to pick props out of giant noses.

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The props they retrieved from the giant noses were clues to reveal a celebrity's name as well as being disgusting! Winners of this show would also win awesome prizes like an entire Encyclopedia Britannica CD set! Fuck I feel old.

And then there's Mulligrubs. Best remembered for the disembodied facial features that would appear onscreen. Honestly don't take our word for it. This was fucked.

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Y'all gonna watch that and tell me it's not the most fucked up thing?

Mulligrubs not weird enough for you? OK. What about the terrifying puppetry of Mr. Squiggle?

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Mr. Squiggle was also 100% ADD, which explains so much. He'd literally go on "space walks" and his human companions would have to calm him down to get back to drawing/terrifying children.

And there was the chronically depressed Blackboard, with catchphrases such as "Hmmph", "Double hmmph" and "Boring".

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Same, Blackboard. Same.

There was also Johnson and Friends, which starred the adorable Johnson the elephant.

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Johnson and Friends is basically Toy Story. Johnson and his mates belonged to a kid called Michael who was never seen in the show unless he was asleep in bed.

Yeah Johnson was cute... but what the fuck was this nightmare asshole doing?

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Also what kind of kid considered his creepy-ass hot water bottle a toy?

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Diesel the truck was cool tho.

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Still not convinced our childhood TV was fucked up? C'MON AND LIFT-OFF! With memorable characters like Rocky the Frill-Neck lizard and Beverly the one-eyed plant.

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Beverly would show documentary clips of nature, but also I'm pretty sure if you looked directly into her eye, she would show you your death.

But Lift-Off's obvious star of your nightmares was EC.

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YEAH THAT DOLL IS MOVING ON ITS OWN.

EC apparently stood for "every child", because the doll was genderless, and had no real features. Every child could relate to this terrifying baby Slenderman.

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ECs you when you're sleeping... E knows when you're awake...

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Last, but certainly not least fucked: Round the Twist! A show about a family that lived in a lighthouse and experienced heaps of magical adventures. Like a ghost that watches you take a dump.

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Based on the short stories of Paul Jennings, Round the Twist is honestly still so iconic, with a theme song you'll be singing all day, but the storylines were absolutely fucked.

Like what about the time Pete pissed on a tree, waking the tree's spirit...

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...and then the tree spirit got him pregnant.

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I guess that's one way to get a root.

But the greatest episode of all time had to be the one where a magical fish SWAM UP BRONSON'S DICK...

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RIGHT UP HIS DICK.

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WHICH MADE HIM A BRILLIANT SWIMMER.

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So the next time someone asks why Aussies are a little off-centre, just remember our childhood heroes.

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And we wouldn't change a goddamn thing.

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