Things You Should Never Say Or Do To Your Server

Because otherwise you're probably going to hell.

Say "But they did it for me last time!"

Well why don't you go sit in "they's" section then.

Ask for everything to be rushed because you have a flight to catch/a movie to watch/an appointment with your shrink.

Totally didn't realize it was my fault you didn't leave your house earlier.

Complain about the prices.

You know what, YOU'RE RIGHT! Let me lower them for you right away.

Hand me things without asking.

Do you mind if I use my third arm?

Sit at a dirty table.

Unless you want to use dirty dishes.

Say "I have a special diet..."

And you chose this place because...?

Say "I used to be a server."

It's a very exclusive club, evidently.

Answer the question "Hi, how are you?" with a drink order.

That coffee is gonna take a LOOOONNNGGG time to brew.

Point to things on the menu while you're on the phone.

How about you just text me the order. K thnx bye.

Say you know the owner.

Oh, is that why you're paying full price?