12 Animal Masters That Taught Luis Suárez The Art Of Biting

The Karate Kid learned “Wax On, Wax Off,” the Hannibal learned, “Clamp On, Clamp. Off.”

1. The Master of Deception

Expertise: Surprising the victim.

What he taught Suárez: His signature move, “The Bite ‘n’ Bolt”.

2. The Master of Power

Expertise: Not moving much & the ability to see the color, ‘blue’.

What he taught Suárez: How to open wide.

3. The Master of Speed

Expertise: Pouncing.
What he taught Suárez: The Master of Power has an Italian uncle, and hence, should be eliminated.

4. The Master of Subtlety

Expertise: Snapping.
What he taught Suárez: When there’s 7 minutes left in the game, it’s “crunch time”.

5. The Master of Nibbles

Expertise: Causing people to go, “Awwwwwww”.

What he taught Suárez: That Suárez needs to apply himself and not just say he understands how to properly nibble.

6. The Master of Impulsivity

Expertise: Getting swept up in a sharknado 30% of the time.

What he taught Suárez: Bite first, ask questions later.

7. The Master of Nutrition

Expertise: Can effectively threaten the lives and families of fruits and vegetables.

What he taught Suárez: The butcher sells more parts of the pig than just the shoulder.

8. The Master of Persistence

Expertise: Not knowing when to stop, even when people advise you to stop.

What he taught Suárez: Always try to bite off more than you can chew.

9. The Power of Agility

Expertise: Stealth.

What he taught Suárez: Go for the shoulder… whatever that is.

10. The Master of Restraint

Expertise: Intimidation & Knowing where the cleanest fire hydrants are in your area.

What he taught Suárez: You have more bite than your bark.

11. The Master of Accuracy

Expertise: Intimidation also.

What he taught Suárez: Never attempt to bite your own teammates.

Ooh… so close!

12. The Master of Fearlessness

Expertise: Giving pep talks and bear hugs (but never a shoulder to cry on)… obviously.

What he taught Suárez: If you listened to all of the masters diligently, you’ll be a World Cup “Chompion” in no time.

The Final Master

AMC / Via giphy.com

And finally, to complete his training, he must seek out the one who most craves human flesh.

Expertise: The art of “IDGAF”.

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