Friends Don’t Let Friends Fedora

Stop. Please. Society at large is begging you to stop.

1. The Thinker

The sad fact about fedoras is that, while the wearer holds a personal conviction that they look dark and mysterious, they generally come off as a registered sex offender.

2. Criticality accident

This is honestly the worst case scenario. Let’s say you were playing Fedora Bingo — “militant atheist”, neckbeard, meme use and Free Space — congratulations: you only need to fill the Brony spot now.

3. Swordora

I’m getting so close to this Bingo.

4. Friendzone rant.

If someone else gets this Bingo before me, I’m going to be really irritated.

5. Bingo.

I won but really we all lost.

6. Everyone watch out —

The Gangbusters of Cinnabon have arrived.

7. Common Misconception: Feathers Make it Better

There is no feather from any known species of bird — peacock, crow, rooster, stork, Ribbon Tailed Astrapia, Kagu, whatever — that will make your fedora look more stylish. They will only bring quicker attention to one side of your mutton chops.

8. Stop it.

Multiple birds does not make it better.

9. You’re missing the point.

The whole bird will not help, either.

10. Gears

/That/ makes it better. That’s what you were missing.

11. Moves like Pleather

Is that one of those Q21 games he’s using as a belt buckle? If so, that’s completely awesome as he can walk into any bar and immediately play a game of 21 Questions where the final question is, “Does it go on forever?”

*beep bloop bloop*
“Your loneliness.”

12. Checklist

Saturday and Sunday are for— wait, Crocks and Socks / Socks and Sandals? What the fuck. I’m not even going to keep typing this out.

13. Head Alignment

Another additional problem is that it appears that those who are socially and fashion inept also felt that “Any fedora will do.” Through this thought process, little attention is given to the shape of the hat or ensuring it fits. This results in sort of an Elmer Fudd look.

14. Class

Somehow the idea of fedoras has linked with the concept of class. Do you remember when prom rolled around? You joked to your parents that maybe you needed a top hat and they stopped what they were doing to fully assure you that you didn’t — perhaps with a diagram or threats to assist in that assertion? Maybe my childhood differed from yours. Regardless, class =/= hats.

15. Selection

I’m really more concerned about why the walls are Photoshopped in this picture. You’re taking a picture of yourself naked with at least 10 fedoras. What was so mortifying on your walls that you took a moment to say, “Woah. That’s too much. People might think I’m weird.”

16. Gloves and Fedora

The quickest way to say, “I want to talk about My Little Pony — and if you don’t, my prints won’t be on the weapon.”

17. Awkward level:

Calligraphy.

18. Umbrellas

I’m curious why they don’t have umbrellas to shield themselves from all the pussy that must be raining down upon them. This shot must have been in between the supercells of women.

20. oh god

i can see it in the rearview — go, go, go

21. Chainmail

“The chainmail accents on your fedora really compliment the chainmail tie.”
- No one ever. That was the first time anyone ever said that statement.

22. Don’t even start with me.

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