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44 Reasons Prince Is The Alpha And The Omega

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called Prince. And Prince is so many things.

1. Prince is the ultimate enigma.

2. Is he ♂? Is he ♀?

Trick question. He is…

The end all and be all. BEYOND ♂ and ♀.

3. Prince transcends space and time, an ageless nucleus of atomic grace.

Left: Prince at 26. Right: Prince at 52 or 87 or 155.

4. He is the first solo artist to have a number one single, album, and movie—all at the same time.

Two words: “Purple” and “Rain”.

5. He changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol and made the industry revolve around it.

Fed up with his record label trying to control him, Prince became “The Love Symbol” so he could record more music outside his contract—technically they only signed some dude named “Prince”. Genius.

6. He’s just a super sexy M.F.

7. And betcha by golly wow, he knows it.

8. Like, he really knows it.

9. Like, he really, really knows it.

10. He’s so sexy his music is your parents’ worst nightmare.

Prince’s lyrics for “Darling Nikki” caused Tipper Gore to form the Parents Music Resource Center which designed this cautionary label formally adopted by the recording industry ever since.

Imagine, all because Prince “met her in a hotel lobby / masturbating with a magazine / and Nikki started 2 grind”…

11. He’s an eternal force field of fearlessness.

12. Unless he’s confronted with himself. Because the only known fear to Prince is Prince.

In 1987, he canceled the release of “The Black Album” because he actually believed the music he created for it was “evil”. Pure, straight-up, funky “evil”.

13. Prince is a never-ending virtual paradox, a constant digital riddle.

In ‘97, Prince embraced the internet—he was the first major artist to release an entire album, “Crystal Ball,” on it. Today, Prince rejects the internet—his work always seem to be just out of reach. (Seriously, try YouTube’ing any of his music videos. We’ll start counting: 1, 2, 3, 4ever and ever…)

14. He’s only concerned with life’s most existential queries.

15. He is an animal that strikes curious poses.

16. And they* feel the heat, the heat between me and you and Prince.

*this sheep, obviously

17. He was sweet talking N text speak b4 humanity was texting.

“U Got The Look”. “I Would Die 4 U”. “Take Me With U”. Prince, always so ahead ‘O’ the times.

18. Prince crafted a pop song so damn catchy it didn’t even need a bass line.

That’s like, unheard of.

19. Make that two pop songs so damn catchy.

Again, no bass line required to physically propel you to the dance floor every single time. WHAT IS THIS WIZARDRY?!

20. Prince is the circle of life and therefore also the royal baby.

21. For all we know, he could also be any of these purple Pokémon.

22. Or can we not see he’s just a groovy ass ghost?

Because he definitely isn’t human.

23. Whatever he is, Prince was put on this Earth to play guitar.

24. Like the time he shredded this solo, threw his guitar up… AND IT SIMPLY VANISHES INTO THIN AIR!

At 3:28 is when this wizard’s solo starts, at 6:05 is when the magic happens.

True story: When you Google “best guitar solo ever”…

…Prince is the first suggestion.

26. Even when you don’t know he’s there, he sounds amazing.

That electric guitar on “Like A Prayer”? Prince.

27. He doesn’t simply walk…

He piggyback rides his way to a stage.

That Kanye West lyric will make a lot more sense to you at 2 minutes in.

28. Needless to say, Prince is definitely NOT Michael Jackson’s understudy.

29. He made “TIME” magazine’s list of best Twitter accounts in 2013 and he’s not even on Twitter.

It’s a parody account. Follow 4 ur daily mystical meltdown of funky awakenings.

30. He didn’t give us the “Batman” soundtrack we need, but the one we deserve.

AKA, one of the best soundtracks ever.

31. On the rare occasions when he loses, he still wins.

And the Award for Best Disappointed Expression goes to…

32. He wrote the best make-out song of all time ever.

Look, we can argue about this all night… while we’re making out!

33. And the best break-up song of all time ever.

Prince wrote this stellar masterpiece.

34. Prince instills everlasting hope in men who are only 4 feet tall.

Okay, fine, he’s 5’2”. (Mariah Carey is 5’9”, by the way.)

35. He gave birth to Carmen Electra.

On the first day, Prince discovered a girl named Tara Leigh Patrick from Ohio. On the seventh day, Prince rested.

He also gave birth to Sheila E., Vanity 6, Apollonia 6, and Susanna Hoffs. Newsflash: Babes LUV Prince.

36. He’s the only one who can make Beyoncé bow down.

The only recorded instance of Beyoncé bowing down to anyone.

37. Prince has complete reign over all meteorological conditions.

When Prince performed the Super Bowl Halftime Show in 2007, it had started raining actual physical drops of rain while he sang “Purple Rain.”

38. He is a glorious spiral of sensual splits.

39. His omnipotent aura cannot be escaped.

“I have a team of female black lawyers who keep an eye on such transgressions,” Prince told Billboard magazine this year. “And you know they’re sharp.”.

40. He’s already but a distant memory…

He demands journalists to never tape record or even use notepads during interviews forcing everyone to write about him based on their memories alone.

41. He is an oracle of almighty truth.

43. He is infinity.

44. He is Prince.

Amen.

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