1. When performing atop flimsy snack trays, do your best to avoid any sudden, showstopping movements.
2. When falling into a pool atop a stack of chairs, always ensure you’ve selected the optimal number of chairs.
Research suggests 10, maybe 12. NEVER MORE.
3. When spinning atop a playground fixture, always securely center your weight inside of your empty garbage can.
4. When planking along an escalator, NEVER MOVE (NOT EVEN TO CHECK YOUR CELL PHONE).
5. When skateboarding whilst hanging onto a moving vehicle, try swapping your bikini for knee pads and a helmet.
6. When jumping off of a broken chair, always be sure the chair is firmly rooted to the floor.
(I.E. NO WHEELY CHAIRS.)
7. When diving into snow, be sure your diving board is not a rickety front porch.
8. When kissing your girlfriend whilst moving on a motorcycle, always be sure you lean in 95%.
Any less and she WILL fall. THAT’S SCIENCE.
9. When balancing on a ball, always ensure that ball is also not balancing on something else.
10. When lighting a match beside your friend’s butt, try NOT also dousing him in flammable spray.
11. When drinking a cold beverage atop a rickety window awning, ensure said awning is securely fastened to the window.
12. When throwing a treat for your hungry pooch, make sure you aren’t also attached to that pooch.
13. When pushing your child down a hill, try removing — or aiming away from — any blatantly obvious obstacles.
(LIKE THE FENCE.)
14. When interacting with unfriendly animals, be sure you yourself are being friendly and not antagonistic.
Try also smiling at the bull and/or offering him a cold beverage.
15. When going down a small playground slide, make sure your butt is firmly in contact with the surface at all times.
16. When riding high-powered cleaning equipment, remove all potential surrounding obstacles.
17. When mounting an angry horse, try approaching from almost anywhere but behind.
18. When trying to steal your way into a parking garage, be sure you remain in your vehicle and consider all your options.
19. When riding down a metal staircase, NEVER LEAN FORWARD.
Also consider ramps or other smooth surfaces.
20. When thrusting a friend violently out from underwater, be sure to aim anywhere besides directly above your head.
21. AND FINALLY… When lighting your bare butt on fire, consider not doing that at all and finding another hobby.
That is all.
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- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›