1. No joke. It rains every frigging afternoon. Every. Frigging. Afternoon.
2. As a rule, you will encounter the very worst tropical downpour on the ONE DAMN DAY you didn’t bring a stupid umbrella.
4. You know what else comes with all that rain? Lightning. Yay, we are the LIGHTNING STRIKE CAPITAL OF THE COUNTRY!
5. That little coast-to-coast heat wave everybody was bitching about? Yeah. That’s Florida from May through September. We have to hide until summer ends. We’re basically prisoners down here.
6. Of course, we’ve had air conditioning in Florida for a few years now, and it does help. But then you get the AC bill in August.
7. Every cloud that spins off the coast of Africa in the summer dreams of becoming a MONSTER HURRICANE, and they ALWAYS want to come directly to Florida.
8. So every time a storm is born, the computer models ALWAYS look like this. We never catch a break.
9. That means all summer, you can NEVER really relax. At any time, your home state could be in a CONE OF DOOM.
10. When a storm is born, you become a severe weather junkie, waking up in the middle of the night to check the National Hurricane Center’s 3 a.m. advisory.
11. As the storm nears, weather guys on TV do the most creepy and frightening thing imaginable: They take off their jackets and roll up their sleeves. That means IT’S ON and the SHIT IS GETTING REAL UP IN HERE.
12. Or not. Sometimes we just don’t sleep for five days worrying and calling loved ones to say goodbye only to learn the storm fell apart overnight. And then we feel really happy again.
13. But just because there’s no storm doesn’t mean our Florida TV stations don’t spend all summer scaring the crap out of us anyway: WE LIVE IN PARADISE! PARADISE IS DEADLY!
14. News stations devote TONS of time to weather patterns far, far away. Because, you never know, IT COULD COME HERE ONE DAY REAL SOON AND KILL US ALL!
15. The never-ending fear in the summer makes us all a little crazy. You don’t WANT to be constantly TRACKING THE TROPICS, but you can’t quite stop, either. Because they’re right, we could be KILLED AT ANY TIME.
16. The closer a storm gets, the more a trip to the supermarket looks like this.
17. Because even though this happens every summer, people in Florida NEVER ACTUALLY MAKE THOSE STORM KITS THEY TELL US TO MAKE.
18. And by the way, when we call family up north in the middle of stormpocalypse preps, WHY DO YOU GUYS NEVER SEEM TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?
19. When there’s no storm, there’s just mind-bending heat and soul-crushing humidity. And rain. But at least the weather people smile when they tell us. There’s that.
21. Whoever invented Florida summers clearly hated human beings. It makes us very sad.
22. People are always telling Floridians to “stay hydrated!” We know. But then when we DO make sure to drink water, you guys all BUST on us. WHY?
23. You’d think anyone who had to work a full-time job in Florida in summer would be allowed to go to work wearing this.
24. But no. We have to dress like we live in OHIO OR SOMETHING. And EVERY DAMN DAY we end up looking like this.
25. Of course, we’d much rather you think of the sun, not the fact that it’s so humid you want to kill yourself a lot.
27. When we moved here, we were only thinking about the winters. But then summer came.
28. Honestly? Humans were NEVER MEANT TO LIVE IN FLORIDA IN THE SUMMER. Even visiting for a week isn’t smart.
30. And we wait for winter. When the tables turn and suddenly living in Florida doesn’t seem so stupid.
In The News Today
- One person died and three more were injured during a shooting on a university campus in Arizona early this morning. ›
- The National Dialogue Quartet in Tunisia won the 2015 Nobel Peace Prize for its role in building a democracy there. ›
- The U.S. ended its $500 million program that trains and equips Syrian rebels in their fight against ISIS, U.S. Defense Department officials announced. ›