1. What you say: Post-grad? Yeah, I’m considering a couple of options!
What you mean: I’m crying in the shower every morning praying someone will answer my job inquiry emails.
2. What you say: I had a promising interview last week, so we’ll see!
What you mean: I had a panic attack outside the building for 10 minutes before my interview. Also I got a blister from the new shoes I squeezed myself into.
3. What you say: I’m moving to Manhattan!
What you mean: I’m living in some guy’s basement who may or may not be a serial killer but he lives in Manhattan and seemed somewhat reputable in his Craigslist posting!
4. What you say: I’m keeping an open mind about my options.
What you mean: I literally will do any job that anyone will pay me any amount of money for/trade me food as payment.
5. What you say: I love my new apartment! Living alone makes me feel so independent.
What you mean: I still haven’t hung up my curtains, I forgot to pay my cable bill last month, but I like being able to eat cold Chinese food in my underwear without anyone judging me.
6. What you say: I got approved for my first credit card!
What you mean: This will most likely be my downfall.
7. What you say: I just think moving back in with my parents is smart financially, in the long run.
What you mean: I got wine drunk and cried on the phone with my Mom about how I have no future and packed up and moved into my parents’ basement the next morning.
8. What you say: The benefits at my new job are great, especially the company’s 401k savings plan!
What you mean: I am literally Googling what a 401k is right now AND I STILL DON’T GET IT.
9. What you say: I’m super excited about grad school, thanks for asking!
What you mean: Sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking about my student loans.
10. What you say: I read “The New York Times” every day.
What you mean: I follow @nytimes on Twitter and retweet them when I don’t have anything original or witty to say.
11. What you say: An unpaid internship? Well, it’s the experience that matters, right?
What you mean:
12. What you say: Phone interviews are nice.
What you mean: I suffer from crippling anxiety just ordering a pizza over the phone.
13. What you say: Networking events are so useful and fun!
What you mean: The last networking event I attended I pit-sweated through my suit and rehearsed small talk and my “casual carefree laughing” face in my bathroom mirror all morning.
14. What you say: I’m excited to graduate from college and start this next stage of my life!
What you mean: ONLY 39 DAYS LEFT?! THAT’S ALL UNTIL I LEAVE THIS SAFE SHELTERED PERFECT PLACE WHERE I CAN GO OUT ON A TUESDAY NIGHT AND NO ONE JUDGES ME?!? WHY.