1. “So when do you plan to get married?”
I don’t know… MAYBE when I find the right guy.
2. “You do want to get married eventually, right?”.
No, I wish to live alone and eventually get devoured by my 69 cats. AND THAT’S OK.
3. “Your clock is ticking.”
Great, it’s lovely to be reminded of my mortality CASUALLY LIKE THIS. Tick tock goes the death clock!
4. “How do you feel about hitting 30 soon?”.
Does being in your twenties mean you’ll turn 30 sometime in the foreseeable future? Funny thing, I never knew. Thanks for that insightful information. Eternally indebted to you.
5. “OMG! How come you’re not married yet? You’re so amazing!”
Haven’t had the time because I’m so busy fending off idiots like you.
6. “When I was your age I was married and a mother of two!”
I understand that was quite an achievement. Where’s your Padma Bhushan?
8. “You know, the right person will come around when you least expect it. You will be surprised how that happens!”
You know I don’t like surprise, especially not the bad ones.
9. “Aren’t you worried you won’t be able to have kids if you wait for too long?”
I know right?! I’m 23 and I can feel my ovaries shrinking!
10. “My friend knows an NRI MBA boy and she thinks he’s perfect for you.”
Sure, once I’m done deciphering all his acronyms, I’ll be sure to marry him. *Dies of old age*
11. “I remember when I was your age, [insert unrealistic societal expectation here.]”
Please, while you’re recounting your youth, tell me what living amongst dinosaurs was like.
12. “Career? Girls don’t have careers. It’s just a way to get them busy till they get married, then it’s family and kids for life.”
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I love when you make jokes!
13. “How does it feel to see your friends getting married while you’re still single?!”
I don’t know. How does it feel getting smacked right on to your freaking face? YOU’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.
14. “You really need to start to learn how to cook before marriage if you want to survive in your sasural!”
Kyunki saas bhi kabhi Masterchef Australia thi?
15. “So you’ve joined the gym, Getting in shape for marriage proposals, eh?”
Yeah! that’s what gyms are for! To grab up those good marriage proposals! Personal fitness? What’s that!? I don’t have a weight-loss goal, I have a husband-gain goal!
16. “Have you tried [INSERT NAME OF RANDOM MATRIMONIAL SITE]?”
Yeah! My favorite is shut-the-f*ck-up-and-mind-your-own-business dot com!
17. “I can’t wait to dance at your wedding!”
No, please. Don’t. I’d like for my marriage to last for longer than one item song.
19. “You’re gonna die alone, you know that!”
Thank you for those motivational words.
20. “Why are you doing this with your life?”
Because I love screwing up my life! It’s so super cool!