1. “Do your parents work in the government?”
Maybbbe. Who wants to know?
2. “Do you know the president?”
Oh yeah, BO and I are just chilling in the oval office smoking cubans.
3. “Don’t take Connecticut, the president is moving.”
But I have a lunch at Sweetgreen to go to.
4. “Topper Shutt said it may rain today.”
EVERYONE TO YOUR WEATHER BUNKERS!
5. “I think they installed a camera up here on the right.”
Seriously, how many speeding cameras does this city need?
6. “I’m from DC.” “Oh really, where?!” “Well, Bethesda”
Okay, so you’re not from DC.
7. “Georgetown Cupcake is the best cupcake place in DC.”
Wrong. Baked & Wired for life.
8. “Ovechkin sucks.”
Ovechkin has won the MVP trophy 3 times and by season’s end, he’ll be one of the 100 greatest goal scorers in NHL history. He’s also only 28. What did YOU do today?! C-A-P-S CAPS CAPS CAPS.
9. “Shake Shack is better than Five Guys.”
Two words: Cajun Fries. KBYE.
10. “Why is the Metro always delayed?”
Welcome to my life. Just wait until the escalator is down at Tenleytown.
11. “There is no good pizza in DC.”
Want to go to Jumbo Slice?
12. “Do you go to the monuments all the time?”
Why would I do that? But people born and raised in DC know the real trick is to go at night when it’s the most beautiful.
13. That “WE’RE LIVE FROM FUR.”
Driving home listening to other people dancing at a club is horrible. Hot 99.5, just slowly back out, no one will notice.
14. “I heard the pollen count is going to be really high this month.”
NO!!! HIDE YOUR CARS OR YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO FIND THEM. HURRY!
15. “LA has the worst traffic.”
DC is hands down the most confusing city ever. A street you’re on will disappear or change names randomly. And NW vs SW having the same street that don’t connect? Are you serious?
17. “Woah, another protest.”
Yeah, DC is a giant protest. It’s more surprising to not see one, than to see one.
18. “You’re not essential, so you can’t get a car here. Sorry.”
Okay no one has said this to me but can you imagine?! Like damn you Eastern Motors! I knew this shutdown would screw me over somehow.
19. “Your metro has carpet? That’s disgusting.”
We like living in the 70s and while the carpet is discolored, the fact that we can’t have food on the metro makes ours cleaner than yours, so…
20. “There are no flights out of National. But there are seats on a flight out of BWI.”
Urgh I guess. But getting a flight out of National is like hitting the jackpot.
22. “I’m a Cowboys fan.”
Oh, I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you over how much you suck.
23. “Why is DC so broken?”
DC ISN’T BROKEN. WE DIDN’T CHOOSE THESE HOOLIGANS. WE DON’T EVEN HAVE REPRESENTATION. DON’T BLAME US.