1. Would you rather be 4’4” or 7’7”?
7’7”. Because I think girls like tall men. All women like to look up to their men.
2. Would you rather sleep with no pillow or half of a blanket?
Half of a blanket. Because making love, you don’t have to put all the blankets on you.
3. Would you rather have hiccups every day for the rest of your life or feel like you are going to sneeze during every moment for the rest of your life?
Sneeze. Hiccups are annoying, and for the rest of my life?
4. Would you rather have a permanent unibrow or no eyebrows at all?
A permanent unibrow. Because it can be sexy. No eyebrows, you look weird.
5. Would you rather be able to speak any language fluently or be able to talk to animals?
I’d rather be able to speak any language fluently. I love animals, but I don’t want to talk them. I’d rather be able to talk to other people on other continents, and understand them.
6. Who would you rather take behind the schoolyard and get pregnant: a Subway sandwich or soup, salad, and breadsticks from Olive Garden?
A Subway sandwich.
Footlong or six-inch?
Oh, footlong, get that sandwich pregnant.
7. Would you rather shave three inches off your height…or three inches off your penis?
Well, it doesn’t matter, because If I shave three inches off my penis, I’ve still got an extra nine.
8. Would you rather celebrate Easter or 4/20 this weekend?
Well, I don’t get high. So I guess it will be Easter!
9. Would you rather be the next host of The Late Show or The Tonight Show?
Either one. I made my bones in Late Night, but either one.
10. Would you rather fart popcorn or have anyone be able to see your past and present Google search history?
Popcorn. Popcorn. I will have my history.
11. Would you rather have your arms and legs switched or have crayons for teeth?
Crayons for teeth. You don’t want to know why. It’d be a colorful scene when I’m in the bed during foreplay.
12. Would you rather be sexually attracted to fruit or have Cheeto dust permanently on your fingers?
Sexually attracted to fruit. Especially a peach.
13. Would you rather have a bell go off every time you are aroused or feel a sharp pain in your side every time someone said your name?
A bell go off! It ain’t never going to stop! “What is that damn bell?” “Tracy’s getting hard.”
14. Would you rather change gender every time you sneezed or not be able to tell the difference between a muffin and a baby?
Let me think about this. Change gender every time I sneeze.
Any reason why?
I’m going to keep that to myself.
15. Would you rather sweat mayo or poop a softball?
Sweat mayo. Pooping that softball, I don’t know, that would be pretty rough. I’d be prolapsed.
16. You’re on a deserted island with a beautiful woman, would you rather her top half be fish or her bottom half be fish?
Their bottom half. I can work with the top half. I can’t work with no gills. But then, wait a minute, wait a minute, there are paper bags. I’m good with that bottom half too; I can do a lot more with that bottom off. Depends on what day.
Catch Tracy in Bona Fide — his first Comedy Central stand-up special since 30 Rock ended — Sunday, April 20, at 10 p.m. ET and in Rio 2 (in theaters now).