17 Majestically Useless Items From The Innovations Catalogue

    So many crap gadgets.

    Luke Lewis
    by Luke Lewis

    BuzzFeed Executive Editor, UK

    During the '80s and '90s, the Innovations catalogue sold a vision of the future as lived through gimmicky inventions.

    When it folded in 2003, regular readers were distraught. One left the following comment on a BBC article:

    I have admired Innovations from early childhood and am genuinely distressed by this turn of events. Luckily, I am wearing sponge-lined spectacles with integral FM tuner to absorb my tears (while I listen to the latest pop hits in style and comfort).

    Here are a few of the heroically pointless gadgets that graced the pages of Innovations.

    1. A personal astrologer.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    "Simply key in your birthday details and today's date, then scroll through your personal 'reading' on the 2-line LCD screen."

    2. A levitating pen.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    3. A hand-held fishing simulator.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    4. A "Milk bottle planter".

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    "The soil provides superb natural insulation for for the lidded central compartment which holds four milk bottles, fully protected against sub-zero temperatures, summer heat and the attacks of birds."

    5. A zippable tie.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    6. A spider scoop.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    7. "Bathrobics".

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    "A safe new exercise routine that you can do in the comfort and privacy of your own bath tub. Bathrobics pack consists of 10 double-sided waterproof cards, a display stand which sticks to the rim of the bath with a rubber sucker and full instruction booklet."

    8. "Ionic Shoe Freshener".

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    "After each wearing, slip the device into your shoes and switch on. The fanless technology silently draws in fresh air along with freshening negative ions."

    9. A phone in the shape of a frog.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    10. "The Gemini Skin System".

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    "Clinical trials have demonstrated that the Gemini System can increase the elasticity of the skin using a process called Galvanic Iontophoresis. This means creating a flow of ions through the skin from a negative pad to a positive pad."

    11. "Chin Gym."

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    12. A big toe straightener.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    "Used daily it helps to realign your big toe, on either foot, to the correct position."

    13. A facial exerciser.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    14. A dressing gown, but with trousers.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    15. A cat lead.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    16. A device to monitor the freshness of your breath.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    17. The deeds to an acre of the moon.

    Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

    "It's somewhat tongue-in-cheek - but all totally legal and above board!"

    Taken from The Very Best Of The Innovations Catalogue, Bloomsbury Publishing Plc.