1. Letting your toddler take a four-hour nap.
Now it’s midnight and the child shows no signs of ever sleeping again.
2. Buying into the whole “washable marker” thing.
Sure, you can wash it. That doesn’t mean it’s going to come off.
3. Overloading the back of the stroller.
The moment your child bolts out of it, it crashes over backwards.
P.S. There was a fresh carton of eggs in one of the bags.
4. Changing a “no” to a “yes.”
You only did it after relentless whining, but now the word “no” has lost all meaning, forever.
5. Allowing your kid to hold your smartphone.
You just needed five seconds to do the dishes!
…Or a pen.
You just needed five seconds to catch up on your email!
…Or anything that was handy.
You just needed five seconds to talk on the phone with your sister!
6. Lingering a tad long at preschool drop-off.
You start to wonder if your health insurance will cover the cost of having a 4-year-old surgically removed from your leg.
7. Arriving a tad late to preschool pick-up.
You start to wonder if your child will ever speak to you again. Ever.
8. Choosing a route home that passes a playground.
You tried to hurry by, talk loudly, point out stuff on the other side of the street, but…
9. Agreeing to go to the playground for “fifteen minutes.”
… two and a half hours later, the playground has not lost its novelty.
10. Deciding on a DIY haircut.
You saved $25. And also, THIS HAPPENED.
11. Yelling at your kid in public.
That was the day you learned that the true meaning of silence is the sound other mothers make when they are judging you.
12. Giving your kid junk food.
A little McDonald’s here, a little candy bar there… and now it’s in her blood.
13. Losing your temper at the sandbox.
You yelled at another kid for bad sharing. He started crying. His nanny up and served you. Then you started crying.
(Further trips to this sandbox may necessitate a disguise.)
14. Being the only mom at the playground who forgot to bring sunblock.
Can you use your SPF 15 lip balm on her face and arms instead?
…Or a snack.
Meanwhile, this is the kind of thing the other moms pack.
…Or a change of clothes.
(Or even one single wipe.)
15. Allowing your un-toilet-trained toddler to roam the house naked.
16. Shopping with the family at Ikea on a Saturday.
Your children spend twenty minutes in Småland, during which time you are able to scarf down an order of meatballs. For the next three hours, the family searches for Bin #32, which turns out to be out of stock.
17. Spending six months creating the perfect Halloween costume.
At 3 P.M. on October 30, he decides he wants a store-bought Spiderman costume.
18. Cussing in front of your child just one time.
Somehow, all the hundreds of times you said “Ma-ma” didn’t stick. But this sure did.
19. Thinking your new iPad is “only for Mommy.”
It’s a matter of hours before your children are using it to download Candy Crush while you see if the calendar still works on your old Palm Pilot.
20. Letting your kid channel surf.
She went from the Disney Channel to a commercial for American Horror Story: Coven to a scene from Last Tango in Paris, and is now officially Disturbed.